Love and Orgasms

Sometimes you’re busy going about your life, enjoying the hoe situations and then the devil decides,
‘No, you are too happy, let me send you a thing called emotions.’

Before I go on, let me put a disclaimer because niggas and hoes might get butt hurt. Insolent fools will be quick to dub me a feminist because I frequently use men as my example. Well, most times, it is the male species I am inclined to date. Others will just hate cuz I probably get checked out by their men.
Women are petty bruh!
But you know what??  My farm of fucks stopped reproducing. Sold it about a week ago. A week ago.
(Did you read that in your Bobby Shmurda voice?)
This is strictly not aimed towards anyone. But if the shoe fits…

Fureni ni ka nimewakulisha baking soda.
Pekin Sora I gat pekin Sora.

This is to everyone. Girls as well as boys. Everyone!!
I’m not angry, neither am I on my periods as I write this.
Actually I’m kushing with the boys. So you can imagine how chilled I am. Kila kitu iko in slow motion brathe!!

Sorry, I’ll change my tone, darling bobbiebom readers, fans and critiques.
Forgive my sarcasm and profanity in advance though.

So I’ll go on.

You are just minding your business, enjoying the hoe life or even being a celibate earthling. And then you are approached.
Mtu anaanza upuzi za how they feel you. And they even start working towards cuffing you.

OK.
If you are like me, you will take time before you go out with this person. Evaluate your priorities. Weigh between whether you want to get fucked or go on with your wanking streak. Or if you are ready to leave the house on occasion and wear clothes so you can go see your baby for ice cream dates. As opposed to YouTubing while naked. Alone. Enjoying your ‘me time’.
It’s a hard decision I tell you!

Mafeelings na relationships sio kalongolongo.
It’s commitment. Trust. Love. Respect. Blah blah blah. Si mnajua izo takataka zote.
God knows I love izo takataka 🙂

OK. So this person coerces you. Your heart starts getting that tingly feeling each time you see or hear from them.
Ati sijui oooh, moyo inadunda dududu. Forgive my ngeli. Ile mi najua ni ya genge pekee.
You know it? That kafeeling?
That’s common sense leaving your body.

Remember that you had NO romantic feelings towards this person. You were okay. In fact , you were relishing in the pit of your own company. No nyef nyefs za mapenzi. They bring themselves. They become part of your life. Now you love them.

Lakini kunakuanga na kaushetani kauingia mtu mmoja. Uyo mtu anaona ni fun akitryzex mchezo wa shika pata potea na emotions zako.

This breed is scavenger-patient. They wait even for months on end. And my oh my don’t they possess a sweet tongue. They will tell you everything you need to hear. They will be there for you.

All this in a bid to prove their ‘feelings’ to you.
It’s only a matter of time before you start to reciprocate these love waves. So you decide to tell your hoes that umepata mshikaji and you are focusing on them. No side pieces for a while. The situation is exciting. You can already imagine yourself doing all those stupid things couples do for the gram and Snapchat

Focus.
At this point, the girls are willing to panua their legs for the lying boys gymnastics style.
In the case of boys, they are willing to spend their pocket money savings (that mommy gave them), on the lying girls.
Sad eh?
Haha lakini girls are evil eh. Women have learnt the game and sadly, they are overtaking the male species in deceitful valour.
(I’m restricting this to my age group ju watu wazee waliacha kuomba mummy pesa)

Oh. The moment you copulate, home ground!
Sometimes it doesn’t even get to coitus.
And then the loser who made you fall in love with them ‘anaanza kuboeka’. For lack of better words.

They stop replying texts. They avoid you. They detach. They become busy. They always have excuses. They lie. Umonkey tu mob.
No reason. No explanation. No apologies or honesty. Just lies.

What I know is, when someone loves you and wants to be with you and they know you feel the same, nothing will stop them. They will work towards and fight for you. Ata ka alikua na Jack na Catherine kwa Titanic, ataswim akuje akupende, ata postpone death.

Mara alivunjika mguu akiwatch TV. Sijui oooh, Mara alinyoa nywele yote ndio maana hawezi kukutext all day. Ama mdame wako akushoo yeh ni lesbian…

Alafu atakugeuzia akusho ni ju haumtrust. Rich!

Schupidd.

But Snapchat, ako tu na malightskin, hepiii!!. Au ukimwona anakatia tu watu wengine mbele yako ndio uskie kimnatho. (Other word for kuskia kiwaru)
Be careful not to catch HIV trying to make someone who doesn’t care jealous.
They start going steady with the person they told you not to worry about when y’all were together.

So you start contemplating suicide.
Oh, I jumped the gun?? Too soon!? JK.

Hahhha. Okay. No suicide. So you get hurt because you are now in love with this person. What do you do ?

You dumped your hoes.
You just want what they promised you. Love and exclusivity because hey! You’ve sacrificed a lot for this. Right?
But they don’t care.
I insist. You love this person.
You probably went against people’s warnings about them. You had their back. You shunned their past mistakes. You forgave. Because you love them.

At this juncture, they start what I call ‘the madharau phenomenon’

Utaanza kulengwa budah. Blue ticks kama mlologongo wa siafu. Ukisema ‘I love you’ unajibiwa ‘okay’. Ole wako kama you have many mutual friends. This guarantees that you shall be around each other most of the time.
They might even go as far as being suggestive with your friends of a different gender from theirs.
Eh, aki si nastruggle kukua neutral. But inabidi ju staki kuitwa feminist. Na staki waschana wafure. Kumwagiwa acid haikai fun. Plus this face is my money.

So you find yourself in awkward situations. I won’t even expound on the heartbreaking pain, tears, sleepless nights, binging on food and drugs, exclusion etc. Idk how you deal with pain.
You start feeling like you have a problem. Maybe your dick was too small for her, or maybe your pussy was shit to him. Or maybe you aren’t curvy enough, or you’re too fat, or you are such a short man, or maybe her ex had a better car than yours. Hell, maybe you have no car. All your insecurities find a haven at the top of your mind and heart. It’s painful.

I feel like if you’re the jerk that does this to someone, at least let them know why you’re curving them. Ata ka ni mdomo yake hunuka. Just fucking say, ah!

I’d just like to know. When you decide to string someone along, especially after using your precious time to bag them, or use them in whatever way, what’s normally going through your mind??
What steriods is your hate on?
How do you patiently wait to get someone then bail?
(email me answers on [email protected]) cuz I swear on my life I just don’t get it.

So now what next after? The victim is expected to just heal and move on? Be your friend? Text you? Oh. I forgot you won’t reply. Haha.
Oh. Kwani ni brikicho?

Maze.
Ii generation hunibo.
Si tukue tu honest. Say what you want before you send mixed signals. Make shit clear!!!
I know many people relate to this. And I’m sorry you had to go through anything of this sort. Just thank God it all didn’t get too far.
Also, humans with such malignant tendencies DO NOT DESERVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART.
It’s okay.

Watu wanasema Robertta Bobbie hupenda kuongea ju ya such stories, kwani yeh huumizwa kila saa.
I never address these comments because I hardly blog about my personal life , and when I do, I make it indirect.

Maybe I’m in love with a man who treats me like a queen. Maybe I’m in a shitty relationship. Maybe I’m single. Maybe I’m a hoe. Maybe I’m a lesbian. You’ll never know because it’s a mystery.

All I needed to say was that I believe in karma. Don’t do unto others what you would die if done to you.
You don’t know what battles someone is trying to overcome and maybe you were their only light at the end of the tunnel but you disappointed their love and trust for you.
Pukka on your heartbreaking endeavours. I hope you girls and boys are proud.

Lemmi stop being philosophical but it’s not fresh.

Personally, if anyone out of my about 40,000 readers sees this and had the intention to belittle my intelligence and undermine my feelings by stringing me along, just stay the fuck away from me.

Fuck stringing someone along. Just tell them you want to fuck and bail instead of lying about love and emotions.
Ile lightning itakustrike inafanya press ups.

Bye.
Robertta Bobbie.

It had been a long while since I had seen Kyle.
The mere thought of his presence disgusted me.

And now he was here. Right in front of me.
I only agreed to his invitation because my soul needed closure. I needed an apology. Heck I needed a thousand explanations. I needed to know why.

My throat was dry.
God his smile! This man!
And my eyes dropped right to his crotch, I couldn’t help but give a coy smile, ‘he’s still got it’, I thought to myself.
A heavenly member, infested with the devil’s disease. My heart was breaking but I needed to confront him.
He was hard already and my outfit was carefully selected with the intention to make him squirm under those pants. An outfit he bought me during one of his trips overseas.

‘You are a murderer’ I whispered under my breath,  ‘You wanted to see me dead infected.  You have no humane sanity!’

His jaw line seductively sitting on that face of his. The veins on his arms almost throbbing as he stroked his beard with his right hand. I missed those hands. I missed how they would caress and hold me. Those hands were once mine. The same hands he opened doors for me with, pulled chairs, held me with.

He did not budge.

There’s this thing with silence that instigates more anger from me. Talk back you fool. Or grab me and kiss me, I don’t know. I wanted him to tell me that he really did love me and that I was not an easy lay he had acquired for his convenience.  I wanted to hear reassuring words, that all he did for me was out of his feelings for me…
That his marriage proposal was not a joke. I didn’t care about anything else because my heart was in the middle of all this.

We were at his house where he was holding a memorial for Olive. Her death was ruled as a suicide. Well it was. But we were responsible.  Kyle was. And just like that, the commencing of investigations was halted.
The things money can do!
Everyone else was in the den.

I realised that I still loved this man, that was why I was standing here, in his house, along the corridors he would make sweet love to me. If only these walls could replay what they saw.

I was HIV negative, but I still wanted him.
Don’t call me stupid or naive.
Haven’t you ever just wanted to be with someone irregardless of their problems?

Or maybe I’m just a hoe* and dick is life. But … no. I love Kyle. Loved. Loved is the word.

He started sobbing, eyes bloodshot and I felt like I was going to get the answer I needed. He came closer and held me. This was the touch I was longing for, but all he said was that he was sorry. Almost as if he knew he had lost me for good, and no explanation would melt my oh so weak heart. He was wrong. I wish he knew how I struggled months on end to forget him. I wish he knew how much courage I had mustered to avail myself.

Just then, Mark, his best friend came towards us to tell him that he was needed in the den. Kyle left. No other words from him.

Sorry?
What exactly was he sorry for? Making me fall in love then bailing?  Not disclosing that we has married?  Almost infecting me with HIV?  What?
So I came here for nothing. Okay.

I hate lies. He should have come clean. I always see right through that bullshit. Besides,  I’d forgive the man I love any day. I guess men underestimate a woman’s ability to be intelligent.
We may feign oblivion, but we just want the truth.

I decided to leave. I didn’t bother conversating with Mark. But I could see how he was looking at me. It’s the dress.

This man scarcely paid attention to me.
Horny bastard, I thought.
But I know how vulnerability attracts men. And he damn sure was attracted. There was something about his poise and cologne that had thrown me off my Kyle a couple of times. His hair as well. I’d occasionally joke about wanting to make babies with him only in hopes of my children acquiring his beautiful hair. These jokes never sat well with Kyle of course. But I’m a faithful woman and he knew that.
I was single now.

I was trying to fight my tears as I walked past everyone especially Kyle. I shouldn’t have come.

I hastened the strut towards my car and as soon as I got in, I could not hold back the tears.  So much pain. Too much anger. I knew I had lost him now. This was different from when I went on hiatus after Olive’s demise. I would ignore his calls but I knew I’d come round,  and I was here now, wasn’t I?
But on this day,  there was a sense of finality. It was over.

Mark got in the passenger’s side,
‘Tell me what’s wrong’,
Well he looked concerned, afterall, he had trailed me.  And he knew about Kyle and I. The nerve this guy had!

Remember when I told you guys that a shoulder to cry on is a dick to ride on?

He turned my face around to wipe my tears off. Then he pulled me to him to kiss me.  I knew where this was going.

He told me to drive.  I obliged. No questions asked. His right hand was shaking, the other was gripping my thigh. I drove to an alley and nor sooner had I stopped the car than he had lifted me onto him.

‘How do I lalisha this thing?’ Mark asked. I showed him the knob.

Io ndo uzuri ya sisi laptops. We can fit anywhere. We can fold in a thousand ways as well. (No shade*)

His kisses on my neck. This ignited everything.  Where had this man been all my life? I know I felt the same way with Kyle, but this was different. This felt like bottled up anger and lust, and I wanted to pour them out on this man.

His hands were all over me. I was dripping wet at this point. I needed to rebound. So it was okay. I needed to go through with this so I could hurt Kyle. In my mind. Subconsciously.

He moved my panties to the side. He slid his fingers in.
                          Gloria in excelsis deo
‘Baby let me make you the happiest woman on earth. Let me help you let go of Kyle.  I’ve always wanted you, I love you! Let me…’

I was moaning already.
He put me in the backseat and took my panties off.

‘I’m going to eat you out’, he said, ‘It’s my gift to you. A gift to make you forget your pain’

And he began.
Oh Mark!
His tongue navigated through my clit like it was home. Groceries is an understatement bruh.
He ate me out like I was made of licorice.
He was holding my thighs apart. The car was steamy.
Oh and the fingering got profuse. Hell I did that movie thing where girls brush their fingers over windows, walls etc.

At this point I was gone, I was ready for him. I wanted Mark inside me. I could tell from his heavy breathing that he felt the same way.
We didn’t care about the world outside the car.  This was for us and at this point I knew I had switched up from Kyle. It’s Mark I wanted.  He was the one.

‘Come sit on it bebe, just look at how hard I am for you!’, pulling his manhood out of his pants, stroking it like it was God’s gift to me.

I zoned out. The pleasure was as breathtaking during the first thrust. I was back on top of him on the passenger seat. I could see the tranquillity on his face, feel his breath on my chest.

But I was scared. I couldn’t fathom this intensity in my heart.  What was wrong with me?

I dont know if this has happened to you guys before,  but I, I, I just wanted to be loved.  To love this man. Forget about Kyle.  I was staring at him. Our emotions were in tandem. Too soon?

‘What are you thinking!?’ He asked. I’m sure he was puzzled at the fact that I wasn’t riding him. I just sat there, mesmerised at the overwhelming emotional surge.

I knew I had met my husband, this was him.
Mark.
This was what I wanted to come home to every night. Forever. Call it, love-at-first-shag.

I was ready to get to work work work work work when I turned and saw Kyle outside the car.
He had found us. But I had not the slightest care on earth. He didn’t love me. I know.
His stare possessed pious vindictiveness.  Exasperation. Like he had the will to kill.

‘I’m not letting go of you any time soon. I’m not about to lose the woman I love.’ Mark assured me as we stared back at Kyle.

But Kyle had lost me with his lies.

I had just met my husband.

                                   ~fin~

Email: [email protected]
Instagram: @roberttabobbie