Love and Orgasms

Well. Hi.
I come here when I feel like I need to express myself. When I need to say something I can’t say to anyone else maybe because they don’t listen or I’m not getting the reaction I need.  Maybe even solutions.

I’m just going on an emotional rollercoaster and, I don’t know.
This is the reason I started this blog. To say what I feel. To tell my stories even if just subliminally.

I know it might make me look weak, or defeated. But I’m just a girl. I crumble sometimes. I cry a lot when I can’t handle it all. So I write, especially when music doesn’t work…

I know putting myself out there means I need to be ready to receive criticism. I know I don’t match to everyone’s standards. Be they of beauty, intellect or even just my way of sharing my experiences with you guys on here. It’s okay.

I’ve had people talk the worst about me.

You know, it’s funny how all this is starting to affect me emotionally because normally I don’t care. But maybe it’s because of everything I’m going through right now. I’m so used to building walls and shutting pain out. I guess I’m running out of concrete.

Well I just recently lost someone I didn’t think I’d end up loving as much as I do.
I’m not looking for empathy or an explanation, but I wish I had a reset button.
I will probably regret publishing this for all of you to read, but I don’t care anymore. I’m just tired of talking to people about it. Mainly because I don’t think anyone understands.

I’m disappointed in myself because I’m one to move on quite fast, but I’ve failed. I’m unable to ‘ just move on and forget about him’ like my closest friends constantly advice.

This is where I decipher the ‘How I met my husband’ series for you guys as promised.  Only because the man who was initially to be my happy ending as I was writing part 4 was to be Mark, and shit didn’t play out that way.

Many of my readers were angry at my ending, but you guys didn’t know that I was actually writing as my experiences progressed and unfolded. That’s why I’d take months without updating, but I’m happy you guys were patient and constantly encouraged me to write as you needed to read what happened next.

All my characters exist. Down to Jimmy in part 6. 😂😂
Their names are slightly altered to protect their identities and privacy but I have permission to share as much without compromising their rights.
They read my blogs and it’s been an emotional turmoil whereby they learnt my exact true feelings from this. Things I couldn’t say to them, I put in a story.

I will not say which segment is untrue, just to keep the story juicy for those who haven’t read it yet and also in case I decide to do a follow up post, but I can confirm that the story is as about as relevant to my personal experience as it gets.

The ending changed last minute because, as I said earlier, I lost ‘Mark’.

It’s hard because I blame myself. Everyday. Maybe I gave up too soon. Maybe I should have believed in him more.
Maybe I shouldn’t have shut him out when he needed me there for him.

I’m not about to air his differences and mine here, but maybe if I told you guys what magnitude of emotion I put into my blogs, you’ll read them with the relatability they need.
For people to question my credibility as if what I go through needs vetting is damn near disgusting.
I read all the nasty comments as well. Some shredded to the fact that I’m a female, others to the fact that I’m just a child and so what experience guarantees that I can thrill a reader with much more experience in all matters sex.
These are the times I would confide in Mark and he would tell me how he wished I could see myself through his eyes. How perfect I am to him…
I’m a work in progress. l learn from my mistakes everyday.

Writing is my therapy. I hope this salvages my frail heart from what it is encountering, but I must say, I feel an ounce of relief sharing this.
I’ll laugh on the outside, but at the end of the day I’ll go home to myself. Replay instances where I fell short of being what he needed instead of what I was in my head…
I think about Kyle as well. I wonder if this is how he feels about me…

In short, the whole story is inspired by my real life story that’s been unfolding over these last couple of years…

It’s sad it ended the way it did.
In another life I’d be happy with Mark.  But maybe it’s all for a good cause. Maybe our chakras aren’t as aligned.

Maybe I need this pain to steer me to something that’s better for me.
That’s me trying to be optimistic amidst tears.
Do you think I’m being too hard on myself by blaming myself?

I’m not afraid to say what I feel. Neither an ego from here to Timbuktu nor the fear of looking desperate shall stop me from trying to get what I want.

Sadly I’ve stopped. I’ve given up and started to move on.
It’s only because the effort wasn’t mutual and I have no strength to fight a losing battle. He said I was damaged and I need to fix myself.
Maybe…

Thank you guys for the support and love throughout all this.
Thanks for the views, shares, messages and even concern on my recent breakup with Mark.
My models💜💜
My friends, and strangers who religiously messaged me for spoilers.
It might be a young blog that others ignore or laugh about, but I’m just happy about this.

I appreciate the mean reviews as well cuz hey, I’ve got you reading and hating. That’s as much effort as the bobbiebom fans are putting into this.

I love you guys.

And one last thing, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay.

Xx.