Love and Orgasms

I don’t think I was born to fit everyone’s standards of beauty. If so, we would all be so alike, the privilege of variety would diminish. Uniqueness would be non-existent .
As I write this, I am genuinely fed up. Fed up with the outright favouritism people have to endure in order to climb up certain ladders. I know my post won’t change a thing, but maybe someone will relate and learn to love themselves more with each incident they are put down.

A while back, I was called for a shoot. It was something to do with the representation of African women, to flaunt their beauty and I, apparently, have the look that says ‘Africa’. Humbled by the way. 🙌
Of course I was excited. I’m always excited for such opportunities seeing as I’m hell bent on building my portfolio as I delve into this industry.

The photographer was a very good looking guy. I couldn’t stress further on this fact. There were so many beautiful women on set, the whole team was lovely and I was extremely honoured to be a part of this movement.

My turn came and I could tell the photographer already had an ill attitude towards me. Vibes don’t lie. I’m in the least bit still angry or trying to shame him or anyone involved. I’m just giving an example of occurrences I loathe.

If you know me well, you know I hate smiling. It’s not an insecurity thing. I can’t even explain why, but most shoots i’ve done are pretty much couturic. My smile looks fake. But this was a happy shoot and for work, I’ll do what it takes.

So we began. 

I was told to pick an African flag I felt comfortable representing. I picked Malawi. Almost as if offended, he shouted at his assistant, dismissing the idea of me representing Malawi. When asked why, he further went on to sarcastically ask if we knew just how beautiful women from Malawi were. Clearly this insinuated that I was not ‘beautiful’ enough to pass as Malawian. 

I ignored that. I picked Ethiopia and that boiled him over. Sighing with disgust, he asked me to pick Sudan or Zimbabwe because they fit my ‘ugly face’ . Ironic. I thought this whole thing was about flaunting my beauty as an African woman.

He did not use those words, but that is what he meant.

By this time, my tears were knocking doors and I was struggling not to breakdown in front of everyone. I’m also a very emotional person. I cry at the littlest of things. I wasn’t mad that I couldn’t represent Malawi or whatever, I was just so frustrated at how ignorant this man was, the shoot didn’t require as much for the models to look exactly like they were from the country’s flag they were bearing 😞, and he indirectly, continuously insisted on how much I wasn’t beautiful. Plus aki ata kama mi si msupuu ka watu wa Ethiopia, si angenisho tu nichukue ingine pole pole. Io kitu ilifanya niende home kujiteach flags ndio nisiaibishwe ivo tena.

You get the message I’m trying to pass across?

Well, there’s people who constantly hit my DMs to let me know how gorgeous I am. So they wouldn’t understand why someone like me would have any insecurities about how I look. Sometimes I wonder what they see. I know many women get this sort of admiration on an almost daily basis… I also know they don’t always feel as beautiful as they should.

I don’t have a problem with my body. Or my face for that matter. I’m extremely comfortable. I may be shy, but I love myself. Scars, stretch marks, small booty, I LOVE IT ALL!!

However, there’s someone who doesn’t and never will, and that’s okay.

Well I was sharing this because inasmuch as I don’t care, it bruised my self esteem just a bit. 

It reminded me of my first altercation with my then boyfriend. We were walking in town at night, he was holding my hand, mood ilikua tu sawa ju bado tulikua cupcake stage, ati stars pale, romance tuu! I casually asked him why he picked me and what he sees in me because I generally knew the type of women he was attracted to. He was constantly around more beautiful women and I was nothing close to that. He got so furious, saying that I was questioning his decision to be with me as if he had no idea when falling in love. He told me to work on my insecurities. And I did. I thank him for that.

I’m not saying you need someone else’s approval to be yourself, but assurance is nice.
I’ve recently got into boudoir modelling and the hate and rumours are just hilarious. Someone said skinny girls need to stop showing their bones and dress up because it’s unattractive. Another said there’s nothing beautiful about fat women with wobbly meats everywhere. Others insist that women must be laying with photographers to land bookings, especially glamour shoots. It’s just sad.

Same people are constantly on Kim K’s pages and pornhub for a jerk off.

But by the time you are going through my blogs and pages to hate, do you know that you’re the one with the problem? Stop slut shaming girls.

I’m not advocating for nudity or sexual favours. I’m just saying that, why not ignore what you don’t like? Why assume that because a girl is making money, she has to be giving out some cookie? So what if she is, how does it affect your well-being?

Asking questions like ‘ nani sasa atakuoa?’

Wewe uliskia io ndio agenda ya kuchapa wira? Kuolewa? Sit down.

Whether you sell mboga, work at an office, sell punnany or sit home, people will always talk!

Stop stop stop intentionally pushing people into hating themselves. You think girls are bleaching themselves because they’ve been told their dark skin is beautiful or because they are constantly being picked over the lighter girls? No. It’s the contrary. For jobs, relationships, everything!

So what if she’s fat? So what if she’s too light? Too dark ? Love her like that or leave her alone. She’s beautiful and she’s definitely someone else’s cup of tea, with a side of mandazi.

It no be by force 

I think it’s shady that I experienced this. Mi hukua nimejiamini even when I’m not the prettiest girl in the room . 

Maybe I misjudged him, but there’s jokes you cannot take too far.

For those burning with udaku, I can assure you that my work ethic is strictly professional. Any slight detection of sexual harassment will cause me to leave the set.  I can’t say the same for other women, but so what if they’re sleeping their way up to the top?? It’s none of my business. Neither is it yours.

Be comfortable in your skin. 

I’m extremely lucky to have friends, family and my then boyfriend who constantly reminded me of how perfect I am in their eyes. 
I know I’ve got jumbled up ideas in this article, and I know simply asking you to let go of your insecurities isn’t enough, but just do me a favour and love yourself. The rest will work itself out. There’s someone wanking to your Instagram somewhere. There’s others who wish they’d look half as beautiful as you do.

I know you get what I’m trying to say.

But thanks for the love so far.

Do you! Ignore the hate 😉
Model : Lavender Ikamar

Photography by Keef and Mavo gg respectively.