The room was full of people who were dancing in dim lights, crowded, sweaty and charged with a lot of sexual energy. The air smelled like passion, the lights flickering low and sensual music playing. I knew he was here because he loved to show up where I was… he could smell me out like a vampire, my very own Joe Goldberg. I told you he reminded me of Damon Salvatore…

I could feel him before I even saw him. I dressed for him. I was smothered in the scent he liked. I wore my hair exactly the way he loved it. I lived for him…

I wanted him to see me, to see the light beaming from my aura. I wanted him to get hard immediately he felt my energy, before he even saw me. I wanted my perfume to waft in the air and leave him a trail to me, to find me among many in a crowd. I wanted to be the one who shines in the room for him. My long legs, my black skin shining under the oil I lathered it in, layering scents so that when he put my legs in the air later, his goosebumps rose from how fatal the attraction was. I wanted him to yearn for me as I did him, to write love songs and poems in my name, to lay flowers on the floor in my honor and for my name to be stuck in his head when I came home to him every other night, to lay my lips on his.

So, when I turned around, with a huge glass of dry red wine in my delicate hands, my beauty striking of course; and saw him in the corner staring at me with his huge gorgeous hands holding his camera, I smiled. I smiled to myself and to him, like my soul recognized his and I was drawn to him. He took a picture of me as I walked to him.

I wanted to fight him, to argue; but I also wanted to kiss him. To kiss him so passionately and show him how much I missed him, my passion was rage transmuted. For a moment there, the crowded room felt empty, like it was just him and I. There seemed to be a spotlight on him, indicative of my evident tunnel vision towards him for months on end. When he was in the room, I saw no one else- just him.

The music faded out but I could still hear it, and his intense eyes told me everything they needed to… they weren’t hollow anymore or deep, it felt like I knew him now. He smiled back and everything felt warm again, his embrace felt just like I remembered it, so firm yet so soft and like his hands were made for my body.

I didn’t want our embrace to come to a halt, I’d replayed this night over and over again in my head exactly like this, that he would come to find me; and he did. I knew I was Stuck in limerence – Love and Orgasms , and it seemed like it was getting worse because he was taking over my dreams too now. He was haunting me; I was in love with a ghost and it was standing right in front of me, holding his camera and I.

The camera is important symbolism because of his passion for taking pictures, to show the world how he sees things through his eyes. I was imagining that I would hold the same importance one day, and here we were; in the same arms at the same time.

XX

I dropped the wine glass as an electric wave went through my body. It was an orgasm.

The glass rang on the floor without shattering and I could feel my senses coming back to me.

I could feel his body on me, his breath, but something was different, things were starting to change. This vivid play in my head was getting distorted and everything felt different. I slowly opened my eyes only to see a different man. The opposite of everything I had just concocted in my mind.

I was on Alejandro’s bed, in Alejandro’s house, not Fernando. And it was Ale that was on top of me, not Fernando.

No chiseled muscles but instead a fat pot, no huge palms, no long black hair. No big dick.

A different man was naked on top of me. I had had to imagine that Fernando was the one so I could nut.

I closed my eyes shut and went so deep into my subconscious just so I could finish in bed, with a completely different man. Wow. It was all just a day-dream.

When I opened my eyes and I saw Ale, I felt a bit disappointed. What was I doing here?

Ooooooh.

I was trying to move on, to live my life. I was trying to let someone new love me. I was tired of healing over men that could care less if I lived and I was trying to spend my best boob years receiving the love I deserved and having great sex.

Great? Is it great if I had to imagine it was another man just so I could feel something?

Oi Fernando, ¿Qué es la brujería?

XX

I was having sex with someone who- I had to think of another man just to ejaculate. It wasn’t fair to Ale, and it wasn’t fair to me.

Do you think Fernando thought about me too just to finish, when he was fucking other girls? Maybe not. I probably exaggerate my importance in his mind while I had been stuck on him for a minute. Damn I really caught feelings huh?

I should have known for sure he didn’t love me when he never once took a picture of me; but here I was, choosing to ignore every seed of fear and hopelessness he planted in me. I was horny and I wanted his dick, only his. I knew what a man in love looked like, I was living in the reality, and he was far from it… a man about his camera but never once took a picture of me.

I watched as Ale stroked my skin in an attempt to provide aftercare, but it felt like a violation, he was showering me with praises about my body and how great sex is with me; but I felt nothing. How could he be so oblivious? He ran me a bath and fed me by his hand, washed my whole body and gave me a massage. He kissed every inch of my body and I let him even though it made me feel dirty.

All I could think about was Fernando but I was determined to leave him in my past and move on for real, he was holding me hostage with his imaginary chains, chains that I put myself in and was holding the keys to.

‘Gioia mia, Amore mio…’ Ale called me by these. He swore I was the love of his life, even when I was fucking him while thinking about another man, as he ate my pussy. He would eat me out then cook my favourite pasta and buy all my favourite treats. He loved to spoil me and show me off. It was his life’s mission to make sure I was comfortable. We were already looking at property together but I was obsessing over a man that never once wanted to be seen with me nor wanted me around him even.

I sat in his house, the one he was already begging me to move into and I had my own key for from day one because he wanted to marry me, and thought about how breaking up with him was going to shatter him but I had to be brave and do it. He was doing everything I wanted but he was just not Fernando, and I was turning into the very thing I hated; the kind of person who uses other people just to feel something. I was hurting someone else the same way I had been hurt and I needed to stop.

Oh sweet Ale.

XX

Alejandro is the most romantic man I have ever been with in my life; he was also the oldest and the most obsessed with me.

When you’ve been yearning for affection for a long time, it’s easy to fall for the next person who gives you a crumb of attention and I was trying to unlearn this when I reconnected with Ale. We met 5 years ago for the first time at a restaurant in Lavington, Nairobi, where I was being interviewed for a prominent journalistic piece. I was quite young by then, very naïve and still doing a lot of guess work especially about Love & Orgasms but my writing was already taking me places; and he looked well into his 40’s. I was seeing someone else and I was not attracted to older men at all. Okay, I lie, I just mean not as old as pushing 50 y’know? Because my ‘boyfriend’ was 33 years old – what I thought was love was just daddy issues. Before you tell me about grooming, trust me I get it now.

Ale was walking to his car as I walked into the gorgeous establishment to get started on shooting and I noticed him staring at me all the way to my seat. He walked right back and had a seat inside too and I remember thinking, is this stalker-y or am I imagining things?

I noticed him because he was very well dressed and he smelled like the gods. I also saw the car he was walking towards and I was very impressed. I didn’t know much about cars but I knew a man that drove what he has must be very wealthy. It was also almost impossible to ignore his audible gasp when he first saw me and the way he ordered his driver back out the car and into the restaurant, he was clearly mesmerized, or thirsty I don’t know.

He paid for our meals that day, and soon after, I found out that he was the owner of the restaurant and was kindly seeking that I join him for dinner later. I declined. What could I possibly want from an old man?

He was respectful of my decision but requested that we exchanged numbers. On that day I couldn’t even afford an uber, I used a bus to get home and my pants tore because they were too tight. I got home and changed then went to meet the guy I was actually dating for dinner.

I didn’t think about old man for years up until now, I knew he had the ability to treat me how I wanted and I was right because for our first date, he offered to charter a helicopter just so I could get to him faster from out of town.  I also knew he would fall in love with me instantly because over the years he had declared his love and asked to see me multiple times. I was yearning for a fast loud and burning romance and I knew he would give it to me. Oh, and he did!

By the second date, I had access to his money, home, plans, everything! He was insistent on the fact that he wanted to take me out the market immediately and we were ring shopping by the second week of reuniting. He knew what he wanted and it was me, I was his dream girl and I had delivered myself on a silver platter, I really wanted this to work because I felt like I deserved a shot at being treated right after all those months I spent so miserable over nothing.

I deleted Fernando off my phone and swore to move on; and by the time I was seeing Alejandro, I’d done a great job of not thinking about him like I used to, waiting, hoping, wondering why he discarded me like that but most importantly, mbona nimeachwa na siachiki…

XX

It was after this sexual encounter that I made the decision to go back to not having sex again. I didn’t want to use sex in this way, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone. The romance was definitely fun and wild, and I enjoyed my time as he did, the laughter, the trips, the love.

He still calls me to ask, ‘Is it because of the Spanish man? Haven’t I shown you that Italy has better love stories?’ and it makes me sad for him.

How did he know about Fernando?

Exactly. It wasn’t fair that I couldn’t shut up about him even to my new lover.

I broke up with him after a whole month of avoiding sex and faking orgasms.

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