I am incredibly horny; ten water buffalos lined up wouldn’t match up in a ‘Big Horn’ competition with me. 

I don’t know how to explain it in a way that can be put in words, but right now, I’d absolutely love a good pounding, actually, no, I’d enjoy a nice love making session better or one of those massages that turn into some steamy sex, passion and all…

I’ve been thinking about this imaginary guy that will show up at my door and want to apologize for something that he did (like not giving me enough attention because he was off making money or something, not for sticking his dick in someone else lol ) ; and his apology moved me enough to almost make me fall in love- of course this would mean that he wasn’t offering stupid words – maybe a G Wagon or Crypto or something I care about because I’m a Material Gworl, then we’d dance and laugh and talk about stuff like how gorgeous and perfect women are, or about deeper stuff, I don’t know. It would end in us making out so good and holding hands etc., all that cute shit that I don’t remember much of because I really have been trying to get my nut and bounce the last half of 2021, nimekua streets diambo.

Don’t ask me why my fantasy of a man showing me any sort of emotion involves them apologizing for something, maybe that’s all I’m used to haha, niggas saying sorry. 

I allowed myself to ‘have fun’ because of the indubitable horniness but also, I just got tired of trying to get to know men better for nothing because most of them are incapable of upholding a great connection. So far, it’s been a great waste of my time – it is exhausting but now that I’ve done it, what is the hype? Nairobi ni nyinyi naongelesha. 

Bruh. How boring. How boring to spend a whole sexual encounter so focused on cumming that I have utmost disregard for my partner or my emotional needs in regards to the experience. How boring to have a fat dick inside me and have nothing to say about it because even nutting ni kama kazi ya sulubu. How fucking boring to have sex and have to ignore each other in an attempt to avoid vulnerability aih How do y’all do it? Feels almost as if you have to be an empty shell to let just anyone touch you. I don’t understand?

I say it’s boring because I have absolutely no enthusiasm for it. I don’t sit and fantasize all day. No flashbacks, nothing! If anything, I’ve got so disinterested mpaka riding dick feels like a task and don’t even get me started on sucking dick I have no emotional connection with. I could vomit just thinking about it.

Am I a pillow princess or have I just been bored to death by what I thought was an experiment? Am I even attracted to men anymore?????

I’ve been able to take charge of my sexuality and although I miss being ignorant, I do love being safe; I’d much rather protect myself from a lot of things but mostly, from men that don’t deserve this diamond pu$$hy. I just want some conscious sex manze 😭😭😭

xx

I just had a good smoke by myself and poured a huge glass of wine. Shout out to the kind guy who sent over some huge gorgeous wine glasses to my office just because I tweeted that I needed to purchase some, they make my kitchen cabinet look real fancy in my new apartment- also, those are the only glasses I own currently 😂😂😂, always on brand!

I want to use my vibrator but I’m already in my bed, well, on my mattress, too lazy to get it from my wardrobe; I haven’t purchased any furniture yet. I have my laptop on because I was trying to catch up on some work na deadline imeshapita, did I mention that it’s 2114hours on New Year’s Eve? 

Baruti zinalipuka nje and inasmuch as I’m frightened because I keep thinking they’re gunshots, it’s kinda nostalgic for me. When did I grow up? Who have I become? I’m in a nightdress I still have from high school written ‘world’s best mom’ that I wore to bed last night as well, writing an article, making reports, doing some research and looking at the stock market ON NEW YEAR’S EVE. What? 

I’ll probably play with myself before I sleep though- hio imekua lazma kama ibada, I just have to focus and push through for the next few hours till I can finish up on the reports that I need to plus, I was asleep all day anyway. I needed the rest because it’s been a pretty long year and I’ve barely had any time to breathe so nimekua tu nikilala na kukula. Alternating between food delivery apps and getting higher than giraffe punany. (Here I’d have mentioned just one app as promo but bei imepanda so naomba munipigie simu niwapromoti) Ningependa more sponsorships na endorsement deals in 2022 bana. 

My phone is so dry mpaka ata Christmas day texts nilipata were only from mse wangu wa nduthi na my colleague who misses the heck out of me every five minutes we are apart. my phone is really dry haahhahahahahahahahha. 😂😂😂😂😂

xx

Horniness gets me deep in thought and today I’ve been doing a lot of introspection, right after going through my phone and realizing that it’s not only that I’m not talking to anyone, but I have no one I’d like to fuck in there. Not even an ex ting I can hit up for a rematch, nothing! 

I’d absolutely love to meet new people but like I said, I’m exhausted about getting to know men. Sidai. I’m convinced whoever I date will show up in my bedroom- where I’m in hermit mode most of the time and he will just get me. I cannot for the-love-of-god attempt another talking stage. I just can’t, nimefika my limit for the century.

Sometimes when I get horny, I start to reminisce. I hate it because there’s no telling where my wild thoughts will take me. I spend most of my time in my head, creating fantasies and then it hits me…

Of course, I miss him.

I’m not afraid to mention that I miss him and I wish things were different because I do. I miss when he’d call me randomly just to laugh about what he had for lunch. I miss when he’d encourage me, and just being there for each other when we needed it, that’s why I wonder… doesn’t he miss me as well?? Was even the basic communication all a ruse just to get a crumb of vagina?

I noticed that healing and moving on is such a priority for me that sometimes I forget to just breathe and understand that we are all on different levels kwa hii journey ya kuheal. This prompted me to go back and read our last text messages. He was apologizing and I kept going at him about how hurt and angry I was. He assured me that he’d do better but I wasn’t hearing any of it. In his messages to me, he went on and on about how he was gonna make it up to me and get better for himself so that he could deserve a woman like me and all I could see was the disrespect he had put me through. Plus, more lies. My heart was closed for business.

I hate it because this has become how I deal with men. I don’t let them hurt me a second time, and I don’t fall for words- everything they say to me after breaking my heart means nothing- and rightfully so because even after all he said, I’ve seen no action towards the improvement of our relationship. Absolutely nothing.

xx

Seeing the way my ‘father’ treated my mother in the environment I grew up in, I promised myself to never repeat patterns, to never stay when love is no longer being served. 

Isn’t it funny though, how in trying to escape the very situation that I fear, I’m attracting and settling for men who are exactly like my father??

I saw my mum struggle. We slept hungry when the very rich man was out partying with younger women as my mum made sure she could pay the water bill so we had something to soften our cereal with. Tulikopa kwa hio duka ya mtaani mpaka my mum usually had to hide till she could pay the bills. 

We walked to school at 5am every single day as my dad drove past us in his nice cars. I was just in class 4, and my mum had to get to work by 6am, she had nowhere else to leave us. My dad’s house was stocked with food, something we had to ration so we could all go to sleep with our stomachs full sometimes. I saw my mom cry every day.

Don’t even get me started on when we would get auctioned when we moved back in with him because of his extensive debts, wasee kwa esto walituchekelea. We lost everything as my dad had another place to live with his girlfriends. But my mum picked it all up and started again, the auctioneers returned a second time – this time it was her stuff that was taken even though the loans were my dad’s. 

Ha! It’s like all these memories were locked so far back in my mind and they’re just coming up as I write. Because I forget. I move on and leave people at exactly where they left me. 

I remember begging my father to clear my school fees as I stood outside the exam room, my final exams in Uni. My friends were so worried because they knew the situation at home. I was so frustrated because my mom had nothing. My father was not picking my calls. He was busy. Busy catching flights and switching cars yet my shoes were torn, I used to skip lunch and I barely ever had anything because I was a fulltime student. My mother sent the money regardless and I sat my exams. I couldn’t tell you how she raised the fees in minutes. My mom, always in her masculine energy. 

I got used to it. I got used to men never having to be accountable. I got used to cutting them off on their first jam. For the longest time, I had cut the guy off and was so used to not having a father figure, our relationship became about me asking him to send money and when he didn’t, I’d just ignore him and move on. The only time I ever saw him being kind to us was when he’d return to ask for forgiveness; with gifts of course. Gifts that had no sentimental value to me, gifts that showed he knew nothing about me. I mean okay yeah sure give me some money when all I really need is a hug from my dad and to hear the words ‘ I love you’ . I’ve never heard that from family that meant it; I turn 26 in a month.

Am I triggered because the wounds from my childhood trauma that stem from mommy and daddy issues; thus, resulting in abandonment issues, were poked at?

Is it because I do not know true love from a man, hence the little attention I get excites me, not in an ‘I love this man’ type of way, but more in a ‘I know I will get everything I want because men offer me everything – that is how they show me love and it’s all I’m familiar with’ way? So – the slightest withdrawal of his attention, or in extreme measures, the lack of it absolutely disgusts me. It’s always – THROW AWAY THE WHOLE MAN for me. Getting disappointed by men is inevitable, that’s the one thing they will always deliver impeccably, but letting it happen to me for free is where inabore. REPARATIONS.

Am I just mad that a playa played me??

Is my grandiose sense of self manifesting as ego? Or am I just a bad bitch who doesn’t chase niggas and knows her worth so I cannot let disrespect fly over here?

While I have all these questions, the only thing I know for sure is that I am perfectly cemented in my feminine energy and anything that does not align with that must go. 

I miss my mum when she was in her feminine energy. I miss her so much from when she did not care to appeal to the male gaze or patriarchy . I miss when her opinions on love weren’t skewed from botched experiences she had to endure from her lover. She loved to experience life. She enjoyed to sing and dance and create. She made us the best meals and showered us in the best perfumes, I miss when she didn’t have to make me feel like I have to provide and have solutions for everything because that was where I had to lose myself.

Speaking of perfume, I broke my favorite bottle of Tom Ford, Black Orchid barely a full day after my purchase and I just cannot get over it. I wish I had ‘get over it’ money right about now because to make it worse, chupa zote zinaisha at the same time; Nafikiria, nitanukia mtamu ama nitanunua token za stima mtaani? Itabidi Nivea imecheza kweli mpaka I’m settled enough to afford luxury, as a new renter, I now fully understand how surviving in Nairobi is hella expensive. Or am I the drama?

xx

The first two days after we stopped talking to each other were so difficult for me and I was accepting of the fact that I was actually really hurt. 

I kept checking my phone to see if he would text me, hell I deserved a phone call don’t you think? All I needed in that moment was a ‘Baby I miss you can we please talk’ text and I was gonna be ready to hear him out. 

I missed him so deeply. I wanted him to show up with flowers (and dollar bills, preferably dollar bills), and just pour his heart out to me. I wanted to know how he was feeling and what he was thinking, but mostly I just wanted him to show me that he was concerned and that he cared. That he hated that he had hurt me, that he was scared of losing our friendship. I wanted so badly to do for him what he should have been doing for me; expecting myself from others. I was hurt but still pushing my anger on to the side just to try and understand where he was coming from. I wanted to hear him out.

I just wanted to feel needed for the first time ever because everyone always leaves. I was so hurt that this was happening to me again, I was so angry at myself! I let a man treat me like that and not even want to address anything, like all I deserved was a broken heart and silence. It hurt. 

It sucks because I genuinely want to be able to care for the men in my life, but how can I, when they consistently leave me feeling like a fool for offering an ear and shoulder to lie on? It’s caused me to gather defense confidence where nothing a man says means anything to me. I don’t care whether they are being genuine or not, because the few times I’ve been real and true, they’ve always sought out to manipulate me and my kindness.

I don’t want to exist in my masculine energy, I don’t want to be on guard all the time, ready to protect and defend myself from impending danger, I just want to relax and let my guard down, I want to rest. I deserve to feel good and to be surrounded by gentlemen who understand exactly how to treat a woman. I’m so tired of being disappointed by men, I almost don’t want to participate in heterosexuality anymore. FREE ME!!

xx

He texted me a couple days later to say that he needed time to think about what he’d done because he could see the pain in my eyes.

If you saw it then why …. Sigh, why allow your ego to control the situation?

It’s either that or just that he didn’t care and had absolutely no value for me. He felt nothing that’s why he was so comfortable with messing up over and over again. He went on to promise to show up, then snaked me again, refused to pick calls and that right there was all the closure I needed. My feelings were a game to him. 

He was only annoyed because he got caught. 

I don’t ever want to be put in a position where I’m just a piece of pussy again. The experience is not worth it. Nobody deserves to have me like that. Nobody deserves to touch my skin.

xx

I think about how he’d hug me from the back and kiss my neck, nibble on my ears and say the sweetest things to me. He’d hold me so tight and I’d believe him. I believed everything. 

So, he was just saying that? He meant absolutely none of it?  He was never present even as he fucked me so he didn’t care. How could a person that doesn’t understand care and love extend that to me? C’est impossible.

Xx

Or the way he’d fuck me in the shower, that was my favorite. It felt so damn good.

He’d bend me over and fuck me right on the coffee table too, my moans always filling the air and the louder I got, the harder he’d go. 

He loved to sit me on his shoulders and eat me out with my face in the ceiling, then afterwards sit me on the couch arm rest and keep going. The first thrust always got me, and I’d always make sure to stare right into his gorgeous eyes as he stuck it in me. So beyond his eyes, there was nothing? Absolutely nothing in the way he stared deeply into my soul while his dick was inside me?

I missed looking into his eyes while he’d fuck me because it felt so good, at least the physical part of it.

I wanted so bad to feel him; to feel him with my skin and my mind and heart but it was so difficult. I always wondered why our energies didn’t match and I thought that maybe if I explained what was lacking, he’d get it. This meant that when with him, I was constantly in my head about how to make it better, the problem was that I was doing it alone because the man that I wanted so bad didn’t even exist. I was falling in love with potential, Ideas of who he could become all in my head instead of actually taking what I was getting at face value. 

I was always struggling so hard just to cum and it took so much mental work. That honestly makes sex boring and exhausting.

This was obviously my body telling me that this connection didn’t feel right, but I was so horny and needy.

xx

The Icing on the cake was when I noticed a PH imbalance in my vagina. I decided to dismiss it because it was very subtle, also, I couldn’t tell if it was only because I was just about to have my period or because I’d got back on the pill recently but I wanted to have this conversation with him. Right before I found out that he was actually sleeping around. 

I should have trusted myself more. 

The last time I slept with him, I knew that it would be the last. I felt it. I definitely left his place without a doubt that he wouldn’t see me naked again and I was right because one day later I figured out how he’s about town.

If I am to be with a man at all, he has to be a guy that is unattainable. Imagine the horror when I found out anybody can have him. My whole being cringes anytime the thought of being linked to such a man surfaces.

The more I talk about all this, the more disgusted I get about how I treated myself and how I allowed myself to be treated. I hate the obsession black men have with reducing women and destroying their self-esteem. I know for sure that if I’d have been ghosted a year ago, I’d be thinking about how I’m not enough and that I was the problem. 

He’s the one who wanted me. He’s the one who came on to me. 

To have one of the sexiest erotic writers in your bed and to fail to connect with her on a higher level because you think she can fall for manipulation like all the other girls you are used to?

‘I still hit tho’ they could argue. Something the inferior masculine go around beating their chest about. But nothing more? Not even A friendship? Not a lasting dance with all that sexual power? You had the world at your feet but decided to kick it?

Ya’ll only view women as objects of sexual pleasure. You have no respect.

I realise that what I really miss is the idea I had of him in my head. I miss what I thought this was but it really never existed. I miss you lakini jidishi.

It’s about time I named this little guy because it seems like this year it’s just him and I… 😊😂

Happy New Year!

Have you read: https://loveandorgasms.com/miss-me-2/

New Episode up on the Love and Orgasms Show : 

https://anchor.fm/loveandorgasms/episodes/Attachment-Styles-and-TMI-e1cqi13

You can support my work here:https://anchor.fm/loveandorgasms/support

Follow my OnlyFans here : https://onlyfans.com/loveandorgasms

C O N N E C T W I T H M E: https://loveandorgasms.com/contact-us/

*Some affiliate links are used, which means I may receive a commission should you decide to click that link and make a purchase. My content is 100% not influenced by brands, PR products received, usage of affiliate links, or brand partnerships.