He tried to rape me…


My phone kept beeping to show an incoming call; ‘NO CALLER ID’ read on the screen incessantly for many seconds . It buzzed in my hand as I tried to think about who’d be calling me at such a time with their Identity hidden, NO ONE ever calls me- I’m so used to my phone being dry mpaka calls surprise me . Normally, I wouldn’t pick it  up but on that day, I had no qualms. I deliberately missed the first two calls, but decided to answer on the third ring because I was curious. 

‘ Hi, ‘ the caller started . I recognized his voice almost immediately but was definitely shaken by the realization that a toxic cycle would be birthed from this phone call. I didn’t know what to say next, I wasn’t sure whether to tell him off or keep listening, but I was curious about what he had to say…

The last time I saw him, I’d stormed out of his house in a mad rage from all the madharau this Jamaa had shown me – it was always the same thing. It had been two years of the same shit, me caring and him fucking everything else in town bora it has a pulse.The problem wasn’t the fucking, it was the lies, the manipulation- I left because to me, lies equate to disrespect and after such a long time , I’d fallen out and only had feelings of regret towards him. I was done. It’s hard to get wet for a man that’s for everybody. My pussy  fell out of love, girls I know you know what I mean 😅😉😞

He wasn’t my boyfriend, he was just the guy I got to shag every other weekend, consistently for a while, but over time we’d grown pretty fond of each other. It was sad that he’d resulted to die on the hill where he was putting me at risk and basically exposing me to the shit I was trying to avoid by fucking only one man. – infections and crazy bitches. 

I swore to never write about him again after that,, mostly because I had nothing nice to say, but I’ve been battling with this – an encounter left lingering in my subconscious only because he left me traumatized. 

I’m unable to go on without fear. Even a slight memory or a  waft of the cologne he uses triggers my anxiety.I cannot listen to the songs he likes. I cannot avoid an anxiety attack when a car with the make similar to that of his passes me,  I panic. This is the exact same fear I had when I was still fucking with him, trust had gone out the window and for a long time; I’d tried so hard to walk out of the mentally and emotionally abusive situation I’d been swallowed into. He had won. 

‘Hi , sema , ‘ I responded meekly. There was long pauses and heavy breathing in between our salamus and I could tell he didn’t even know where to start. I’m sure now that it wasn’t because he was as anxious as I was, he was just drunk. It was at around 10pm and he was coming from the club , his speech was slurred as the conversation went on and I tried my best to warm up. Nilikua tu mtaani nimetoka kubuy viongo vya dinner with my brother as I wanted to whip up something mean for us for the night, in a dera na  kitambaa ya kichwa as usual to sitiri my matutas. . 

‘ Are you okay? Where are you? Can we talk? ‘ He went on, ‘ I hope you can talk, I hope I’m not interrupting anything, I just really need to talk to you. I’m not okay. Can we please talk? Don’t hang up please…’

I think he could tell from my tone that I was trying my best not to be stand-offish because I can hardly pretend . I had steered off his existence for a few months and had found peace again, it hadn’t been difficult this time round because I’d done it a million times before,. Ilikua roller coaster ya ufala na ilibidi nidondoke otherwise ningechizi. I’d really been through it man, from being called every other day about him having his throat down random people, sleeping with his friend’s wives, disrespecting women, finding zile fake lashes in bed, being disrespected by his girls at social gatherings; I could compile an infinite list , but I’ve moved on. 

All these things were playing in my mind as I was talking to him, I was shaking. What could he possibly have to say to me that he hadn’t already??? What lie hadn’t I been fed aki 😅😅 poor naïve me, but I gave it a chance. I could tell he was a bit distressed and of course uzuri Wangu ukanituma kumskizia. 

‘Okay yeah, I won’t hang up, Tell me what’s up?’ I managed to finish a sentence for the first time throughout the conversation.

‘ I want to come to you, I’ve got a lot to say … I’ve got to say it in person, please tell me where you are and allow me to come to you, I’m not okay… ‘ he responded. 

I listened to him the the whole time, conflicted about everything… thoughts of how I’d been through this with him so many times before flashed in my mind but the empathy… the empathy took over. I let him know where I was but wasn’t comfortable about him driving drunk. I insisted that we met the following day instead but he assured me that he was okay and good enough to drive to me – we stayed on call the whole time, it took him about 16 minutes to pull up. 

I remember feeling really uneasy, this wasn’t like it used to be, how he’d make me happy by surprising me with visits. I wasn’t at all happy to see him when I went downstairs , I was anxious. I found him standing outside , leaning on his car with a cigarette in hand. He was quite intoxicated – nothing I haven’t seen though. He looked good. He seemed fine despite his distress call and he still smelled like I remembered, he also still had this air about him – a cockiness I cannot explain. To be honest, I had already been turned off by some of the things he’d said on the phone to me while he was on his way, he never failed to wear a condescending tone over his speeches…. I wasn’t too sure about hugging him but when he saw me, he grabbed me and started to kiss me. 

6 months before this day, I would have probably enjoyed that kiss. It would have been the start to a steamy night, flagged off with a passionate make out session outside under the moon… you know how I exaggerate stuff 😂😂😂

I was so confused by the way  he touched me , I couldn’t kiss him back so I just stood there as he engulfed me in his body. His hands wandered all over my body and he went on and on completely oblivious to the fact that I was in the least bit receptive of his advances. In my mind, all I could think about was his consistent betrayal, I broke off and proceeded to initiate some small talk. 

‘Can we talk in the car? … it’ll be a bit more comfortable and private’ he asked, beckoning me to walk with him.. I agreed despite my skepticism because maybe deep down I cared to hear what he wanted to say, I still felt like I deserved an apology from him plus, the guards outside had been staring at us, the last thing I wanted was to be seen with him. Or maybe they were just concerned that a heavily built man was all over me right outside, trying to eat me whole?? I entered from the passenger side.

He revved his engine as soon as I sat in and asked if he could drive to wherever…

It wouldn’t be the first time we’d be doing this, many a times he would pick me up and take me away on long drives where we could talk – we’d only return after we’d settled our differences and so I agreed, but on condition that he’d drop me off back home in 30 mins. He promised to. 

We drove off into joining the highway, I fastened my seatbelt as he played some music, Nidja by Fally Ipupa. I love the song but it reminds me of a sad time in my life.. this made me more uneasy and I  started having second thoughts about the drive. I  let him know, but , he kept assuring me. He kept promising me that all he wanted to do was to open up and even when I made it clear that I was NOT interested in having sex with him, he reassured me that I could trust him. 

I wanted to alight and head back home at some point.  I actually asked to because I really trust my gut however, his consistent promise of honesty allowed me to relax a bit. I sent my brother my live location and let him know who I was with just for safety purposes.

I decided to jam and enjoy the ride… my curiosity still getting the better part of me. 

‘ You wanted to talk? Go ahead. I’m listening, ‘ I said then turned to look at him. He was speeding now , along the vast highway, I turned the volume down a few notches then waited to hear him say something. He reached out for my hand and held it in his left hand, slow caresses , he said that he knew how bad he had messed up with me but he was going to show me with actions that I can trust him again. He said this as his hands began to rub on  my thighs as if to try and calm me down- right before it all turned sexual. 

I’d told him a few times before that I didn’t feel safe around him anymore and he acted like it broke his heart; I say acted because with everything he came with into my life, it’s hard to tell if he was ever genuine at all. The drive was like any other we’d go on, very calming but with a lot of static between us. Unfortunately/ fortunately for me I didn’t miss the way things were in the beginning with him like I used to before, I had moved on but had the slight hope that he would at least own up and try to be a better person. I wanted that for him. So when he started to rub on me, I held his hand to stop him. I was afraid of having my compliance towards leaving in his car with him confused with consent to sex. I wasn’t even horny my nigga 😭😭

‘ Jeff I don’t want to go to your house,’ I said when I noticed that we were driving towards his place. He again, asked me to trust him as we hadn’t exhausted our 30 minutes yet. He said to go in and we could talk as he freshened up then he would drop me off. A conversation when we’re comfortable and relaxed, he called it. 

When we got to the house, he pulled me into his room playfully, I tried to protest but he’s definitely way bigger than me, I instantly regretted my decision to accompany him all the way upstairs because I knew at that moment; exactly why he had brought me over. I watched him get undressed…

‘Why are you taking your clothes off? I made it clear that I was not coming to your place but you still brought me anyway. I’m not here for a fuck. If you have nothing to say, I’d rather leave now. ‘ I changed my tone to a stern one- hopefully I would be believable because what I really felt was fear. There were no Uber cabs available at that time of the night, I was going to be stranded in case he changed his mind about getting me back home safe. 

‘ Kwani we can’t talk while naked? I just wanna get comfortable. Come here on the bed, come let’s talk, ‘ he beckoned, patting ‘my spot’ on the bed where he wanted me to lay with him as we ‘talked’.  

You should have seen the disgust on my face – I was the complete opposite of AROUSED, in fact, I have never in my life been that turned off. At this point, my heart was racing. I kept asking myself just how stupid I could be? How?? How could I trust a man? I shouldn’t have gone with him yeah?? I should have protected myself by hanging up the moment I heard his voice at the end of the line, yeah? Nobody, however, is going to point out that he didn’t have the right to my body, regardless of the situation. Everyone’s going to find ways I could have protected myself- not one person will apprehend my abuser. Zero accountability shall be expected of him. 

He tried to take my clothes off soon as I sat on the bed. He tried to eat me out. It was clear to me that he had nothing to say. 

‘Let me show you…’ he kept murmuring as he tried to force himself into me. I kept pleading that he stopped , I wanted him to stop. Did he really think that I’d be down to fuck? I legit couldn’t believe that I was in such a situation- worse off with him . I was struggling to balance between staying safe and making sure not to anger him. 

He was getting real frustrated that I wasn’t allowing him to fuck me and after a couple hours at it, the back and forth with me, his mood changed and everything I feared started playing out right in my face. He got angry and was now pulling on me vigorously which in turn had me screaming for my life , I was screaming for him to let me go, for him to spare me and not force himself onto me.

Being a rape victim, I don’t know if he understands what magnitude of trauma he just unleashed unto me. 

‘No one will believe you, go and tell whatever story you want… I know you’ll tell everybody, I don’t care. I’m not taking you home, you’re not going anywhere,

‘ he went on and on the more I asked him to help me get home. It was now 3 am and I’d cried out every last bit of tears I had in me . I’m pretty sure the neighbours and security had heard all the commotion- nobody came. I wondered if it was either a normal occurrence (the distress calls I made while screaming all those hours) or if human beings are just desensitized towards abuse. 

I was scared because I didn’t think things could turn around in such a way so fast. 

I knew that no one would believe me, he said it himself, meaning he was very aware that what he did was dehumanizing. Good thing I recorded most of the profanities he hurled at me, I recorded him trying to force himself on me and for most part of the time he was  shouting at me, my brother was on call, he heard it all. 

He knew that I would be asked why I picked his call, why I got in his car, why I let him touch me, why I entered his house. I’ll be asked why I didn’t report it to the police and what proof I have. I’ll be told that I’m a whore for attention, that I wanted him too. That because I’ve had sex with him before, he had the right to have his way with me. His friends will be quiet because ‘ there’s no way he’s that type of person’. What he didn’t know is that I’m fucking tired of men thinking they can have their way with me or other people at all!!!!!! 

I know how the story goes. Najua vile ntageuziwa. 

Heck there’s so many times I’ve blamed myself, asking myself just how stupid I could be, enough to let it get that far with all the stories and experiences I know of, how could I not see it coming? 

I’d let a narcissist off of my energy. He probably couldn’t understand how I was finally over him. 

He didn’t care that I’d be in a cab at 4am alone with the driver he called for me, ‘eh buda kuja uchukue hii mzigo imeleta ngori hapa, huyu dame ni mwendawazimu’ – that’s what he told the driver on phone after I couldn’t stop screaming for help. He said that he didn’t care what the driver did to me, it wasn’t his issue and I deserved to be raped anyway. That was the scariest ride I have ever been on… whole time I was thinking- what if the driver was aware that he did this to women??

Xx

He has not tried to reach me again- which is proof of guilt within himself. I’m actually glad he hasn’t because I would have to hold myself from cussing him out. . 

Everyday I have to live with the fact that unless I garner the courage to speak up, no one will ever know. Maybe he’s got away with actually hurting other women. 

I have to watch him mingle with the people I know, soar in his career and pretend to be a good man. I have to watch him speak against the shit he does behind closed doors- on his vast platform. 

The first time he forced me into having sex- I really believed that I owed it to him. That’s how deep he was in my head. I remember being so confused as to whether I had agreed to be forced into it all… I thought he was fucking me because he cared about me, not because he had sexual urges he so desperately needed to satisfy. 

A man I thought I could trust almost raped me and I can’t even say his name. How do you think I feel??? 


Podcast episode cover art

When you say ‘ Not all men’ https://anchor.fm/loveandorgasms/episodes/Not-all-men-efkfu5

Images courtesy of Google.

Read more on Jeff here: Guest Post – Robertta Bobbie

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17 Comments

  1. ReeReeX

    Oh gossshshh
    this must have taken a lot of effort and energy and courage to write, to re-live everything, to question yourself, to think of the “what-if”s…… People would say it is what it is….. and even though it is, it’s not how it should be…..I have no more words, If only there was a way to put an end to everythinggg, every injustice
    Great piece, as usual!

  2. Sabila

    Say his Name Robbertta!!!!! I am reading that story and I feel sooo disgusted by him!!! I am sooo Sorry girl. He needs to face the consequences, charged with attempted rape. He is such a pig YUUUCCCK !!!

  3. Marita

    I am sorry for what happened you. I really feel angry everytime I come across a situation where a rapist is not held accountable, that they are free to walk around and commit the crime once again.

  4. Ness

    It is good story…you’re such a good writer there’s alot of power it this message, a lesson to be learnt just read to my bae and she loved the plot

    1. Pauline Mware

      Hey… You are a good writer and the world will sing your name one day♥️

  5. Tk

    So sorry that happened to you .We believe you love. I hope you get the courage to say his name someday.

    1. Curry

      Woooii… polee poleee….
      I bet his karma ain’t soon but! I pray every bit of his actions imrudiee!!
      Aki asipoonee!! Wache kiboko ya Mungu ipite naye

  6. LYDIA

    Omg!I relate 100%
    I have had such a situation with an Ex gladly it didn’t end up in a rape situation but Nigga couldn’t believe that I was over him.Toxic men watupwe kwa dustbins.
    I’m glad you walked away girl.
    Keep doing you.
    I love your work.

  7. Eve

    An ex of mine forced himself on me after we had broken up, I still feel disgusted when I see him coz I gave in. So sorry dear……..

  8. Jackline

    Wow! A great piece dear. Sorry for the occurences. We can always rise stroger. Kisses😘

  9. Kanyi

    It’s sad that I relate and understand how it feels to be in the position you were in😭. I can’t even send encouraging words because for me to do that I will be consoling myself too. And I still can’t.

  10. Vapehead Origins

    Has anyone visited Vape Crave? 😉

  11. Addyson

    a chip on my glass bowl weed vape

  12. what are the sex toys for boys

    Can someone recommend The PLT Collection? Cheers xx

  13. Anonymous

    I had so much anxiety reading this, a story so similar to mine 💔

    1. roberttabobbie

      I’m so sorry that you had to go through this

  14. Adrien Kunde

    I appreciate the straightforward and clear way you present your ideas.

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