Before you read on, understand that my posts contain a lot of sarcasm and profanity, that’s if you’re new here and don’t know that. Kama wewe ni mzee na utajam or hate bad manners kindly stop reading at this point. 

Don’t bother sending my dad screenshots 😕😑😑😑😒😒. He’s a fan 😇 and just recently subscribed 🙌!
In 2016 you need disclaimers so that people don’t get butt hurt over jokes and brutal honesty.

Otherwise, on a lighter note, let’s commence on today’s topic of interest.

Dickmatization. 

As usual, I’ll speak from my point of view of things. Don’t castigate me for opinions I solely claim, but as usual, feel free to drop your suggestions, criticism and opinions, I appreciate those regardless ❤.

Did you know that women love sex just as much (or more) as men? You probably forget that, so I’ll remind you.

These girls are scared to speak out cuz when you love dick you’re dubbed a whore. We can’t battle the double standards battalion so we just shut up. Well then I’m the mother of whores if being upfront about sex is ‘whorish’. (I really hope my mum stopped reading my shit) 😭😭😭. 

Hi mum 😇👋

I honestly don’t care that much about what anyone thinks of me on a sexual basis and even if I do, I’ll still say what I want and how I want it. Boring sex is a waste of time. I can’t waste my perfect ‘boob years ‘ on shitty coitus 😂😂😂. No one should.

I’ll talk about slut shaming on another day. Leo, I want to educate some people on what it means by someone being dickmatized. Ndio muwache kudhani we’re in love with you when it’s your dick we’re talking to 😂.

When I call you, if we’re just fucking, patia dick simu. Wacha kiherehere.

 It just so happens we might fall for your dick and not you as a person. Nothing makes me angrier than a nigga thinking that highly of himself over me. Come back down to earth brother. Tega sikio…

I love how people already feel like they have a perception of what I’m like in bed from reading my blogs. Shows how hell-bent the society is on pre-empting situations at face value. Well that’s okay 😉. Bora mtu niko naye asije akasema I did splits in the air for Mark* and so he wants that too…

Anyway.
Girrrrrllssss, come here. Have you ever had dick sooooo good, you cried?🍆💗💋👅👅❤❤🔥🔥💦💦💦

 Yeah. Like you’re at work getting flashbacks and shit about slurping on those balls. Yani, you remember bouncing on that stick and your vajayjay gets moist. 

Now I already need a change of draws 💦💦 😭😭

Bear with my digression, it tends to get the better part of me a lot, subconsciously . Kama vile juzi I started telling my mum story ya vile she should come to vineyard one time cuz it’s lit. I ended up telling her about how I was frustrated ju plug aliniuzia oregano ju ni ka I was on kales, that Kush was shit. No high feeling whatsoever. Najua ningelazwa station ju my mthas is the kind of woman to snitch, but oh well…
In my opinion, dickmatization is when a girl is fond of a particular dick, love is not needed (I can’t stress on this enough). I can want you sexually without caring about how your day was, okay? Welcome to 2016.

Yah. Us girls have mastered this art. I was about to use the word addicted but that’s relative and, really, there’s always a better dick than the one you’re currently sitting on. Yup. Always. 

So as a jamaa, you give this mama A1 msolombo (niko group flani WhatsApp, that’s where I’m learning all this new sheng’, -> shout out to Connect Campus btw).

Let me start again. You meet this mami, you shag. Well, not just the basic ‘my nut matters ‘ kind of shag. You eat her out from hair follicles to the dead skin on her heels. Yaani, unamkula kijeshi. You do all those hair-pulling, back-scratching, lip-biting things. You basically make love to her soul. You expect io story inaisha hapo?

For more jokes, send an SMS, ‘jokes about dick’ to ‘5764’

Well. Guess again. 

Let me give you the tell tale signs of a dickmatised girl. As best as I know. I can’t speak for lightskins, ao wako ligi yao. Ata wakidedia mse I think speaking out is a NO in their ‘how to like totally maintain litty lightskin vibes bruh’ manual. I kid 😂

1. She’ll hit you up after sex. Mse unajua skuizi form ni kutokua na feelings so after mechi mnanyamaziana ju hamdai feelings. Well, just be sure that if she doesn’t hit you up first with shit like ‘I had fun’ bruh, ulilalia kazi.
2. She’ll blow up your phone up with upuzi za love, if not, to ask about next time. At this point, she might or might not have already started seeing you in her future (not necessarily as a boyfriend) so she’ll take the next step, which is to try and secure the bag. SECURE THE BAG ALERT! If you no get no text, you no fuck good.
3. Kusema ukweli nimesahau izo zingine. But pia in the middle of this, nimefeel ni ka I’m betraying girls by telling you guys these things. So instead, I’ll let you know how to tell if your sex game is trash.

… Don’t get mad boys. I know there’s shitty pusss too. But nothing makes me happier than seeing the people around me getting fucked right. I hope for a better world where everyone shall get what they deserve in bed. Or, in my case, and everyone else who is like me, everywhere 😉.

1. You will not be looked for. She’s so bored, she’d rather return to her wanking streak. You’re lucky if you’re not blocked, but be sure her friends already know how pathetic you are 😂😂😂😂. People are savage. Guys do this too after they get what they want. Usijali, ni life. Utakula tu blueticks hadi ubuild fort nazo. You should thank God girls are nice though, cuz even when the sex is shit, she’ll try to boost your ego by moaning like a dying whale.
2. That’s it. Hakuna point ingine. Mtu anakutaka atakupursue. If not labda anahepa feelings, they don’t give a flying shit about you and your friendship or ulishaserve purpose ya making them cum. Your work is done. Clap for yourself. Pia unaeza ongeleshwa but story za sex hazidai. Now you know. This made me sad a bit 😢

NB : kuna watu huwa loud sana btw. Beware of these people who stay announcing their prowess. Kwanza wale wana mini sausage na mitaro ndio huinsist. They can’t get you hooked on their shit. No dickmatisation whatsoever.

Research shows that your incentive to tell people about your prowess when it comes to handling your genitalia is indirectly proportional to your actual prowess. 

You can’t argue with research.

This was done by professor Hafsa Neil Armstrong, aka trap_mermaid on Instagram, in 1993, right after sipping lean.

Ushaikua na mtu na anajisifu mid-sex ati, ‘Ooh baby my dick is amazing, it goes deep…. Blah blah blah’?  😒

Me too. 😂

I can’t use a girl’s example cuz for you guys puss is puss, bora you get your nut.

So ii fala inajisifu, unaanza kushangaa, eh, form ni gani.So full of themselves na labda unafake moans na orgasms ndio ajibambe. 

Chema cha jiuza, kibaya chajitembeza. Sijui io methali poa. Hopefully it goes that way. If you’re good,you don’t need to speak about it 😉.

Remember that empty debes make the loudest noise. Ati sijui ooh. I can rearrange your guts. Nah bruh. Only thing your loud mouth needs to rearrange is those crooked Down-Syndromed teeth that might scissor down my clitoris amidst cunnilingus.

Humble yourself and maybe you’ll get a lass dickmatized.

No offence to people with down syndrome. 
I know sometimes I bruise some egos. I’m unapologetic about that though. God, I hate feeding people’s egos. But if I’ve lowered your self esteem then pole. If it helps,my teeth aren’t perfect either 😂😂😂😭😭😭

I stopped telling guys they’re good ju ya maringo. Wacha aende home na question marks 😂😂. I once complimented some jamaa cuz I felt he was looking good, na that was the last nice thing I will ever say to him 😇. See what we are turning each other into.

When a girl is dickmatised, you’ll know. Her happiness is consistent. She’ll generally feel so good about herself. It’s even better when the D is consistent and frequently available 😍😍😍😍

This dick controls her life and decisions.  Ukimsho akubuyie gari, anaeza ata rob bank. Power to the men. 

If not, utajua pia. Subliminal messages on her Instagram and Snapchat ovyo ovyo ati oooh, niggas ain’t shit. 😂😂. 

Ama kule twirra she starts saying how ako dryspell na saizo umemnyandua a whole week.

Awa ndio huskiza Lemonade daily.🐝🍋

Uyo ndio unajua alidinywa vibaya na akapewa shs. 100, hajui ka ni ya p2 au nduthi.

These guys on Campus Connect were saying ati, dame anadirectiwa hadi kwa keja, after 5mins mnaona akitoka. Ata hakui escorted to the stage . Na hatawai pigiwa simu tena. It’s a wrap.😂😂😂😂. I love my generation 😂😂😂

Uyo sa mnadhani anafeel aje, saizo labda ametravel from Rongai. Ata hawezi kua dickmatised even if those 5 mins zilimjazz. 😂😂

These views are not the gospel truth. Especially with girls as straight forward as me. I’m the type to be like, “Oya, unanige or nah?” Na ukinilenga nasonga. I might want you but my money is more important. I’d rather chase that. I can’t chase pombe, money and then men. Aih. Mambo ya kufanyishana P.E iliisha na reign ya Moi. 

With all said and done, I think I need to remind you people to use condoms throughout your endeavours. Of course there’s exceptions on the basis of trust levels. Don’t trust these hoes. 

It’s not worth it, kumea spirogyra na finger like projections that are green on your ass at the expense of a nut. Shingles are real. 😂
Najua hampendi nikiongea sense, but , HIV ni real na hakuna haja utuache ju ya kitu ilikubamba 3mins. 
Be honest as well. Wacha kufanya mtu aingie box then unamchorea. By box, I keep insisting, i’m not only talking about love, even just sexual arrangements. Don’t waste people’s time! It’s so frustrating 😢. Ii ntawapigia story kwa blog ingine ju mnapenda sex oriented articles af!

How do you get someone dickmatised then you stop talking to them na the arrangement is that y’all are exclusive on a sexual basis😕. You’re the ones who make us crazy. 

Anyway, I think I’ve touched on about 6million issues in this. 
But now you know why Njeri isn’t looking for you after sex.
Gaddamn, now I’m worried 😂😂

Photography by Keter Sammy

Model: Robertta Bobbie