Sometimes you’re busy going about your life, enjoying the hoe situations and then the devil decides,
‘No, you are too happy, let me send you a thing called emotions.’

Before I go on, let me put a disclaimer because niggas and hoes might get butt hurt. Insolent fools will be quick to dub me a feminist because I frequently use men as my example. Well, most times, it is the male species I am inclined to date. Others will just hate cuz I probably get checked out by their men.
Women are petty bruh!
But you know what??  My farm of fucks stopped reproducing. Sold it about a week ago. A week ago.
(Did you read that in your Bobby Shmurda voice?)
This is strictly not aimed towards anyone. But if the shoe fits…

Fureni ni ka nimewakulisha baking soda.
Pekin Sora I gat pekin Sora.

This is to everyone. Girls as well as boys. Everyone!!
I’m not angry, neither am I on my periods as I write this.
Actually I’m kushing with the boys. So you can imagine how chilled I am. Kila kitu iko in slow motion brathe!!

Sorry, I’ll change my tone, darling bobbiebom readers, fans and critiques.
Forgive my sarcasm and profanity in advance though.

So I’ll go on.

You are just minding your business, enjoying the hoe life or even being a celibate earthling. And then you are approached.
Mtu anaanza upuzi za how they feel you. And they even start working towards cuffing you.

OK.
If you are like me, you will take time before you go out with this person. Evaluate your priorities. Weigh between whether you want to get fucked or go on with your wanking streak. Or if you are ready to leave the house on occasion and wear clothes so you can go see your baby for ice cream dates. As opposed to YouTubing while naked. Alone. Enjoying your ‘me time’.
It’s a hard decision I tell you!

Mafeelings na relationships sio kalongolongo.
It’s commitment. Trust. Love. Respect. Blah blah blah. Si mnajua izo takataka zote.
God knows I love izo takataka 🙂

OK. So this person coerces you. Your heart starts getting that tingly feeling each time you see or hear from them.
Ati sijui oooh, moyo inadunda dududu. Forgive my ngeli. Ile mi najua ni ya genge pekee.
You know it? That kafeeling?
That’s common sense leaving your body.

Remember that you had NO romantic feelings towards this person. You were okay. In fact , you were relishing in the pit of your own company. No nyef nyefs za mapenzi. They bring themselves. They become part of your life. Now you love them.

Lakini kunakuanga na kaushetani kauingia mtu mmoja. Uyo mtu anaona ni fun akitryzex mchezo wa shika pata potea na emotions zako.

This breed is scavenger-patient. They wait even for months on end. And my oh my don’t they possess a sweet tongue. They will tell you everything you need to hear. They will be there for you.

All this in a bid to prove their ‘feelings’ to you.
It’s only a matter of time before you start to reciprocate these love waves. So you decide to tell your hoes that umepata mshikaji and you are focusing on them. No side pieces for a while. The situation is exciting. You can already imagine yourself doing all those stupid things couples do for the gram and Snapchat

Focus.
At this point, the girls are willing to panua their legs for the lying boys gymnastics style.
In the case of boys, they are willing to spend their pocket money savings (that mommy gave them), on the lying girls.
Sad eh?
Haha lakini girls are evil eh. Women have learnt the game and sadly, they are overtaking the male species in deceitful valour.
(I’m restricting this to my age group ju watu wazee waliacha kuomba mummy pesa)

Oh. The moment you copulate, home ground!
Sometimes it doesn’t even get to coitus.
And then the loser who made you fall in love with them ‘anaanza kuboeka’. For lack of better words.

They stop replying texts. They avoid you. They detach. They become busy. They always have excuses. They lie. Umonkey tu mob.
No reason. No explanation. No apologies or honesty. Just lies.

What I know is, when someone loves you and wants to be with you and they know you feel the same, nothing will stop them. They will work towards and fight for you. Ata ka alikua na Jack na Catherine kwa Titanic, ataswim akuje akupende, ata postpone death.

Mara alivunjika mguu akiwatch TV. Sijui oooh, Mara alinyoa nywele yote ndio maana hawezi kukutext all day. Ama mdame wako akushoo yeh ni lesbian…

Alafu atakugeuzia akusho ni ju haumtrust. Rich!

Schupidd.

But Snapchat, ako tu na malightskin, hepiii!!. Au ukimwona anakatia tu watu wengine mbele yako ndio uskie kimnatho. (Other word for kuskia kiwaru)
Be careful not to catch HIV trying to make someone who doesn’t care jealous.
They start going steady with the person they told you not to worry about when y’all were together.

So you start contemplating suicide.
Oh, I jumped the gun?? Too soon!? JK.

Hahhha. Okay. No suicide. So you get hurt because you are now in love with this person. What do you do ?

You dumped your hoes.
You just want what they promised you. Love and exclusivity because hey! You’ve sacrificed a lot for this. Right?
But they don’t care.
I insist. You love this person.
You probably went against people’s warnings about them. You had their back. You shunned their past mistakes. You forgave. Because you love them.

At this juncture, they start what I call ‘the madharau phenomenon’

Utaanza kulengwa budah. Blue ticks kama mlologongo wa siafu. Ukisema ‘I love you’ unajibiwa ‘okay’. Ole wako kama you have many mutual friends. This guarantees that you shall be around each other most of the time.
They might even go as far as being suggestive with your friends of a different gender from theirs.
Eh, aki si nastruggle kukua neutral. But inabidi ju staki kuitwa feminist. Na staki waschana wafure. Kumwagiwa acid haikai fun. Plus this face is my money.

So you find yourself in awkward situations. I won’t even expound on the heartbreaking pain, tears, sleepless nights, binging on food and drugs, exclusion etc. Idk how you deal with pain.
You start feeling like you have a problem. Maybe your dick was too small for her, or maybe your pussy was shit to him. Or maybe you aren’t curvy enough, or you’re too fat, or you are such a short man, or maybe her ex had a better car than yours. Hell, maybe you have no car. All your insecurities find a haven at the top of your mind and heart. It’s painful.

I feel like if you’re the jerk that does this to someone, at least let them know why you’re curving them. Ata ka ni mdomo yake hunuka. Just fucking say, ah!

I’d just like to know. When you decide to string someone along, especially after using your precious time to bag them, or use them in whatever way, what’s normally going through your mind??
What steriods is your hate on?
How do you patiently wait to get someone then bail?
(email me answers on [email protected]) cuz I swear on my life I just don’t get it.

So now what next after? The victim is expected to just heal and move on? Be your friend? Text you? Oh. I forgot you won’t reply. Haha.
Oh. Kwani ni brikicho?

Maze.
Ii generation hunibo.
Si tukue tu honest. Say what you want before you send mixed signals. Make shit clear!!!
I know many people relate to this. And I’m sorry you had to go through anything of this sort. Just thank God it all didn’t get too far.
Also, humans with such malignant tendencies DO NOT DESERVE YOUR BEAUTIFUL HEART.
It’s okay.

Watu wanasema Robertta Bobbie hupenda kuongea ju ya such stories, kwani yeh huumizwa kila saa.
I never address these comments because I hardly blog about my personal life , and when I do, I make it indirect.

Maybe I’m in love with a man who treats me like a queen. Maybe I’m in a shitty relationship. Maybe I’m single. Maybe I’m a hoe. Maybe I’m a lesbian. You’ll never know because it’s a mystery.

All I needed to say was that I believe in karma. Don’t do unto others what you would die if done to you.
You don’t know what battles someone is trying to overcome and maybe you were their only light at the end of the tunnel but you disappointed their love and trust for you.
Pukka on your heartbreaking endeavours. I hope you girls and boys are proud.

Lemmi stop being philosophical but it’s not fresh.

Personally, if anyone out of my about 40,000 readers sees this and had the intention to belittle my intelligence and undermine my feelings by stringing me along, just stay the fuck away from me.

Fuck stringing someone along. Just tell them you want to fuck and bail instead of lying about love and emotions.
Ile lightning itakustrike inafanya press ups.

Bye.
Robertta Bobbie.