I was lying in my bed, scrolling through my phone thinking about new things to buy for my apartment. I had filled carts already, this time with bigger stuff because it was Christmas; and, I have an ex who loves to spoil me when he’s in the country. We don’t talk, he just texts me every year in November to ask for my shopping list.

I haven’t seen him in years, but something about him is that- spoiling me is his hobby, he wakes up randomly and splurges. I like to think of it as him being true to his word about making sure I’m always good and well taken care of, na pia, to show remorse for how he lied a lot when we were together. Reparations.

I don’t care that I don’t see him or we don’t talk, but I think it’s super thoughtful that he has me in mind sometimes. I started to think about sex with him, how the way he took care of me always translated in the kind of sex we had. It was passionate and so nasty and even though I didn’t trust him completely emotionally, I had no doubt whatsoever that he’d move mountains to always protect me. I loved that about him, the pride of having me as his woman showed so much and it made intimacy so easy with him. Birthday sex 2020 – Love and Orgasms

I started to get wet, but I couldn’t tell whether it was from the beautiful Pinterest board I had put together to share with him, or from how memories of his voice in my ear alone made me cum so fast- he didn’t even have to touch me.

I knew that I wanted dick but I also wanted to meet someone new. I didn’t want to circle back on an old ting, and I definitely was trying to stay away from my dildo. I don’t like how addicting it can get so I have to sanction my use or else…

Then I saw Randy right there while scrolling. We hadn’t spoken in a while, and we hadn’t fucked in a couple of months. The last time I saw him, we fucked all night. Basically, whenever our eyes were open, he was inside me in some way. We had fucked so much that day, it was taking me this long to realize I hadn’t been horny for a bit. 
I was already over him emotionally and had seen other men too, so I knew I didn’t want to keep ‘cheating’ on him. The last time I cheated. – Love and Orgasms . I was done but I was horny. I needed dick.

One last time won’t hurt right?

I started to wank to memories of Randy. On the couch, at the corridor, in every room, by the dresser, on the kitchen sink, at the balcony. There’s not a place my scent wasn’t left at his house that night. He’d told me about how he couldn’t stop thinking of me, I was everywhere, I was on everything he touched. Always on his mind like a ghost haunting him months later.

Then I remembered I hadn’t had my period yet.

The horniness turned into anger immediately and I couldn’t finish so I stopped because I couldn’t imagine being pregnant for him. That would have been a huge mistake.

I’m kind of glad that the panic I could have now was not the same as say, ten years ago. It’s a lot easier to make decisions for myself now that I can afford to but also, the feeling I had, told me that sleeping with someone I would never want the possibility of babies with was not a good idea. I should call him and tell him, shouldn’t I?

We’d had this discussion before and while he wanted kids, I knew for sure I would never do it with him. He was just fun. He wanted me to use him, right? And use him I did. Used him for when I needed to tame the wild, release the sexual energy so I could go back to being a normal functioning adult.

I don’t trust myself when I’m horny. My judgment is usually very skewed and this is why I have to be very strict with myself when it comes to sex. I lock myself up like a werewolf and hide till I can sort it out… it’s the only way!

I called him.

I was very annoyed that he knew I was going through a lot emotionally at the time but he hadn’t once checked up on me. I wasn’t surprised, I just think that I was starting to see him for who he was and I was getting so turned off by the lack of emotional availability towards me. Why was I fucking with him even?

My friend was so convinced that the guy hated me, she didn’t get why I stayed so long but I’m just lazy. I was comfortable with the dick anyway and that’s all that mattered at that time. I like to fuck one person at a time, strictly monogamous even in situationships. This was going to be my last sexual relationship with someone that’s not ‘ready for anything serious’. I was very done with the ‘let’s go with the flow’ type conversations with grown men stuck in childish ways. I’m a grown woman with needs now and among them is consistent sex. I need to fuck every day, all the time within safety confines. I need my own dick waiting for me when I get home.

I told him on the phone that I needed to do a pregnancy test and that I was letting him know as common courtesy. I didn’t ‘feel’ pregnant and he had never cum inside me, I just knew my body was acting different and, in that moment, I needed a friend. I couldn’t tell my girlfriends because I had ‘blocked’ him and I wasn’t about to bring him up again, it was super shameful. It was a constant reminder of how dumb I get when I’m horny; how much I didn’t love myself as much as I thought I did.

It took less than an hour for him to show up at my place with a pregnancy kit in hand. Two actually. No flowers though… he never got me flowers once. One time, we passed by the flower vendor’s and the guy handed him a flower to give to me. He packed it up and said he would take it to his mom instead. That’s how bad he didn’t wanna get me flowers and I still stayed with him for months after that.

I took the tests after we hang out a bit and while we awaited the results, I remember feeling like I never want to be in such a position in my life again, he was teaching me to raise my standards, to surely do better.

The whole time, he was listening to me rant about how an abortion was the only solution if it turned out positive. He wasn’t too thrilled about it but he knew better than to try and convince me otherwise.  

He was looking at me with so much lust the whole time. Like my vulnerability was turning him on, me scared and fragile was making him hard. I knew that allowing him to come over meant that sex was on the table; I wanted to fuck one last time just to see if I was really over him.

He fucked me. On my kitchen counter and bent me over the couch.

I was standing at the counter when Randy walked straight to me, took off my pants and lifted my top for my titties to be free. He was so hard already caressing my body from the back.

The pregnancy test wasn’t even ready yet but here we were, creating a real problem again.

He took his dick out and stuck it in me and while it felt so good physically, I knew for sure this was the last. In two minutes he had already bent me over the arm rest and was pounding me so hard. I almost came but he finished before me, all over my back.

It all lasted maybe 10 minutes and as usual, he had to be somewhere else, he had to leave real quick. How hadn’t I seen this whole time that this jamaa didn’t like me fr? The only thing that was different this time was that I didn’t want him to stay, it was okay that he had to go! It had been a long ride, 2 years of so much inconsistency and we had sex like 5 times total, maybe 7. He was making me abstinent as a nympho, wasting my best boob years on no sex. I deserved more. He was such a good friend to me before the sex but I knew I had lost him forever now.

I was filled with shame. Remember I can’t even call my friends to cry because msiba wa kujitakia.

It was one last time. One last time to confirm that I was over him. To confirm that it wasn’t normal the feeling he left me with each time we were done.

I learned to trust myself better but the only way to do that was by improving myself.

That was the last time I ever had sex with someone who had no feelings for me. I vowed to always use condoms even with people I trust. I knew it was time for me to take contraception seriously because to be honest this is my life and my body, there’s no way someone who didn’t care about me was not sleeping with other people. There’s no way I’m risking having a baby unintentionally. I will never go back. I got full blood and body tests done right after and decided to work on my discipline.

The pregnancy test? It came out inconclusive that day. I did the tests wrong, but I knew for sure that if it was positive, I was not going to keep it. He had abandoned me again after he got his nut, even when pregnancy was a possibility. That would never be my baby’s father.

The ex who asks for my shopping list? He sent me some money immediately after Randy left. I might not have got any flowers, but my carts were cleared. I was fast reminded of the gentlemen I was used to, men who made sure I was okay even when they weren’t talking to me. I vowed to never give a chance to anyone who was not offering care and friendship.

I was finally free from the shackles of situationships.

Here’s a golden tip:  See that guy that you want nothing from? That you have absolutely no expectations of except maybe friendship (because that’s what they say to disarm you), and dick – as long as you are shagging him, he will leave you high and dry in the desert with no water. Always go for the guy that shows a lot more intention, even in friendship, and always have a set of requirements! A man that likes you will always do everything he can to make sure you are taken care of – choose your baby daddy intentionally! – even when abortion is an option.

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