Sex and ‘the feelings’

by roberttabobbie / 18 December 2019

There’s a sombre state that my heart retreats to hibernate each time I give myself to people that don’t deserve me… I can’t quite explain the feeling, but I’ll try my best. A hole of emptiness forms in my gut, an abyss that’s filled with myriads of questions about how well I value myself. It has nothing to do with feeling ‘used’ or manipulated… It’s more of a huge disappointment in myself over the fact that despite knowing better, I still choose not to stay faithful to my resolutions, sometimes.

I hate that I overthink myself into moods and situations I know I can’t control; mainly because I will notice the difference between your enthusiasm to engage me right before you get to fuck me and later when we’re done and I’m leaving but you can’t even lift your face from your phone to acknowledge my impending absence or, when the calls subside because you already had a piece of me so it’s until next time… I associate such small things with the skewed presumption that that’s all I’m seen as being good for – SEX . It’s horrible when you want the opposite really; more honest conversations, genuine care and affection and idk, the occasional sense of belonging and security. I’ve never had that. I’ve never had that one person who genuinely loved and did right by me romantically. I’ve always been the girl people want to ‘see where things go’ with – which I’ve come to assume is code for ‘ I wanna know if you fuck the way you write on your blog’ .
I feel all these feelings but I’m afraid to express them because other than not wanting people to know me like that, I just don’t want to put myself out there again as an easy target for lies and pain. When you’ve been betrayed a couple times by people who swore to protect everything about you that’s been destroyed before, then you know all too well how bad it fucks up your trust towards whatever hurt you and everything similar. I don’t know what it feels like to feel secure around men. It’s always been a rollercoaster of abuse and neglect for me but still, I try to remain sane and forgiving towards a people that have done me so dirty to the point I find myself invalidating my emotions. I’m always afraid.

When you become used to pain, you can hardly ever expect good things, even through the abundance of hope. The trauma and betrayal replays in your mind with every new encounter and you constantly find yourself expecting the worst anyway. It’s fucked up my perception of loyalty because I’m unable to trust anyone. I’m unable to believe even the male interests I cross paths with simply because I cannot allow myself to fall back into the mental cages I’ve worked hard to release myself from – I haven’t met anyone honest enough to keep their promises … I could be chilling and minding my business yet I’d still get hit with a memory of how worthless I’ve been made to feel before, how much I’ve been disrespected in the past but still, I’d keep a stiff upper lip because of the entitlement that comes with apologies nowadays … I’m nice, the world expects that I should forgive and forget, perhaps still buss’ this pussy open, because you know, I’m always talking and writing about sex so it’s all I’m ‘good for’ anyways…
I’m tired of always having to ever be an option, a second option. The girl that’s not enough for the 1st spot, but is good enough to keep around in case there’s a detour in decisions. I’m also less impressed with being a ‘dirty little secret’ simply because I’m scared of external interference or whatever bullshit excuses I settled for in the past, all these games aren’t suited for a soul like mine. In all the purity of my heart and mind, I cannot participate anymore… It will kill me.
These thoughts show me that choosing myself is the only way to win this. It’s the only way!
I mean, who wants to be treated solely like an object for sexual gratification? I know it’s not me.

I’ve been actively working on my mental and emotional health for a while now and I’m just proud that I’ve come far enough to be able to remove myself from situations that aim to destroy rather than build me. I’ve learned to walk out when my standards aren’t met and mostly to never settle .

I’m single because I’m scared of abuse. I’m scared of falling back into places I’ve worked so hard to crawl out off . I weep for all those times I stayed with people that constantly beat my heart down and manipulated me into sticking around just for the sex. People who knew about my fears and pain, people I explained everything to but they still decided to do me wrong and take advantage – I forgive myself for not knowing better.

Coming to the end of a year where I feel I’ve experienced more growth than ever before in my life, I’m ready to admit that I crave a love so deep, all my broken pieces will mend. I want something real this time and I’m trusting myself enough to trust someone else with all this love I’ve got…
I’m scared but I’m ready for the reciprocation of my loyalty and ready to give this bomb-ass pussy to someone that’s willing to be as emotionally attached and vulnerable as I am. Someone that actually cares about me because I’m done fucking with people I can’t get any sense of accountability from. I’m not that kind of girl. 🤷

Model : Robertta B.

By @Branley K. https://instagram.com/_ylenarb?igshid=wvu864pnp3i4 /

@Chris W. https://instagram.com/_wabuti?igshid=kthqqw76jqmn

C O N N E C T W I T H M E:

Instagram: @roberttabobbie @loveandorgasms https://instagram.com/loveandorgasms?igshid=1dh5z9euce5wv

Snapchat: roberttabobbie

Facebook: Robertta Bobbie

Twitter: roberttabobbie

B U S I N E S S: For business inquiries please contact [email protected] / [email protected]

*Some affiliate links are used, which means I may receive a commission should you decide to click that link and make a purchase. My content is 100% not influenced by brands, PR products received, usage of affiliate links, or brand partnerships.