For the longest time, I’ve had a conscious bout with my self-esteem. I didn’t particularly always feel pretty or sexy, in fact, I doubt I’ve described myself as being ‘sexy’ at any point in my life.

I had no idea that being a woman came with so much pressure because the moment I started being aware of the changes in my body, I would constantly subject myself to comparisons that were detrimental.
I’d say that being open about my sex life came with its pros and cons and this had a significant impact on my self-esteem. You see, I was just a nerd that loved to share my stories, then I started to write and everyone expected that for me to have such opinions and experiences, I needed to have a Kim Kardashian bod. Men didn’t ogle at me for reasons other than sex and I was very much aware that everyone who approached me only wanted a chance to feature on my blog and get an ego boost from the praises of how good their dick was. I knew that that was all I was good for, that my body’s purpose was to please a man. I don’t know how this notion came to be instilled in my mind but I lived by it and it destroyed my self-esteem.
Consequently, I ended up giving men that were inconsistent and emotionally unavailable chances they didn’t deserve. I didn’t know better and hence would subconsciously seek validation from people that gave me the slightest attention. It felt good being noticed, everything else didn’t matter.
I always felt like the ugliest in my circle of friends (they’re all drop-dead gorgeous). I have dark skin that I hated because of being constantly left out in so many situations for ‘not being pretty enough’. My nappy hair wasn’t exactly helping the situation, and don’t get me started on my lack of a defined waist and ‘trying’ derriere. I looked nothing like your typical ‘beautiful girl’ and these men would make it clear to me. The harsh comments and frequent dismission conditioned me to always want to take the back seat. I was ashamed of my body. These opinions weren’t straight forward or coming particularly from social media or my friends, they came from men I would date, in subtle ways such as emotional abuse, infidelity etc., so you know it definitely hit home. These were people I had laid everything bare for and they still made me feel like everyone else was always going to be better than me.
This ultimately affected my sex life. I didn’t wanna be seen naked by anyone. I didn’t want to be touched. I feared getting into relationships because it meant that I had to stop hiding and learn to be comfortable around people that I felt had put me down most of my adult life. I was scared of letting people in because I felt like each time someone managed to convince me to break down my wall, they left me even more vulnerable and unwanted because they’d leave after they got it. Each time a man cheated on me, I felt like I was the problem, like I wasn’t good enough and even the sex I so often wrote about wasn’t worth them staying. It broke me.
No amount of compliments would change the fact that I didn’t feel beautiful. I was scared of opening up because I didn’t quite see myself the way other people saw me and the more I’d try to explain myself, the more I looked crazy…

I exude a lot of confidence and this nurtured an alternate personality whereby I seemed in charge but really, I just wanted to go home and cry every day… As long as I could put up a façade, I could get through anything, so I thought.
Along my journey of self-awareness, I recognized this as a flaw and took it upon myself to understand that this is my body and I’m going to be living in it to the end. I needed to find ways to love myself more so that people’s opinions wouldn’t kill me as much as they did. I needed to embrace that I was a sexual being and that sex appeal oozed from my aura even with my clothes on. I NEEDED TO BELIEVE IT. Anyone that felt otherwise did not deserve a seat at my table.
My body has changed a lot over these last couple of years, and so has my confidence. I’ve had to unlearn everything that I thought was true. You see, the mind is extremely powerful and everything you feed it begins to manifest, sometimes without you even noticing it. I had to constantly disregard the notion that I was the reason for what people put me through and the moment I mastered this, my sex life improved as well. I decided to be in charge of what I wanted as opposed to believing that my body was an object for male pleasure.
I dress however I want to now and I can say that I’m a bit more confident in my body. I’m also very deliberate about the people I let into my life because I’m one to be very keen on energies. The moment I’m made to feel inadequate, I remove myself from whatever situation it is. I remind myself every day that I’m the most beautiful I’ll ever be and I’m the only one who can love my body the way I want it to be loved.
Of course this has led to better decisions concerning my sexual partners. For a man to even have an attempt at trying to get with me, they need to know my value. They need to understand that everything I have to offer is priceless, they need to adore every inch of my body and treat it with the respect that it deserves. I honestly cannot settle for anything less.

I need everyone who reads my work to develop this sense of self-awareness and confidence. I need you to love your stretch marks, scars, love handles etc because the moment you realize the power you hold in whatever you put your mind to, you automatically realize your value and your esteem sky-rockets. You can always try to work on your flaws after that, but let it come from within, not because a rusty soul punctured your confidence, it has to be for yourself.

This is just me telling you to love yourself a little bit more from today onwards because it drastically improves all the other aspects of your life. Sex definitely gets better when you’re able to be confident because when you know what you want, it’s easier to get it. You’re perfect!

I was having a hotdog when I came up with this title by the way. You see, sex is good, but when you love yourself??? Oh man, it’s even better! Put your hot dogs in buns kama unataka kushiba vizuri 😂

Pic by:https://instagram.com/mw4ngi?igshid=1nuy0za7o2wh2

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