Wewe jua tu utalipia na kuma. Ni uamue kama utadinywa ama madharau ianze na ukumbuke on vacation these people usually want unlimited head- bottomless dick-sucking mpaka throat ipanuke.

As a woman, before you ever make your own money, a substantial amount at that, especially if you grew up without any in the family; you might be blind to the fact that a man spending money on you, for his own benefit- has nothing to do with the way he feels about you especially if he’s a man with a lot of money.

This is a lesson I’ve been reminded many times because I’ve been naïve too, a lot of times you will see my innocence peak in these articles, popping up as ignorance but when you have been raised very protected from the realities of the world, it’s so easy to fall victim.

I’ve been on many vacations before, mostly with family or for work but never with a lover. I have never gone away somewhere exclusively with a lover, but I’ve had lovers pay for me to go on vacation by myself or with friends, which is the way I’ve preferred it always.

Until one time, there’s this guy who was seeking a working collaboration and wanted to fly me to the city he would be staying at for the same reason. Jackson lived in the US, was married for a couple of decades and was going through a divorce at the time. He was seeking to expand his businesses and was hoping to plug me in because he wanted to penetrate my audience and I thought that was fair. The first time I flew to him, it was a business relationship and I truly enjoyed my stay at the 5-star hotel, the treatment and the whole experience was absolutely beautiful. I was planning to stay for a day but he said I could stick around and enjoy myself for as long as I wanted- of course I stayed, I’m a sucker for luxury experiences.

It was until the last day when I was ready to leave after a couple of days that he asked if he could come into my room to hang out for a while. I definitely thought it was awkward because, was he asking everyone else he was bringing on board to chill in their rooms? Because most of us stayed at the same hotel, men and women.

It was even more awkward for me when I was ready for him to leave but he tried to kiss me, and it made me feel very guilty for allowing myself to stay longer, had this registered as consent to him? Did he feel like because he was paying for everything, I would kiss him?

He tried to get me into bed but I started acting hysteric and he left.

The next morning, I checked out and flew back home. There was no bad blood, just mostly confusion on my part but I reckoned that if he actually liked me then he had an open chance to pursue me in a proper way.

I’m leaving out a lot of moments where I missed the cues that he might have been hinting that he was interested in me, but I truly was not interested in someone who was freshly out of a 20-year-old marriage and with multiple kids. I was still in my 20s.

I felt very insecure when I got home. What was I doing wrong that made people who sought me or vice versa for professional commitments think sex was ever on the table? Is this normal? Was this what I was going to have to deal with all the time just to make a living? I felt like a piece of meat, I know the girlies understand what I’m talking about.

Jackson is a CEO, very famous where he lives and a friend to many people I know, so, I just assumed it was safe yeah, I was starting to blame myself a lot for people always seeing me as a sexual object and I wondered how many other women felt this way every day just to earn a livelihood, I was just coming out of the wings of my parents and starting to fend for myself on a way serious note.

He flew back to his country and we never spoke again. So, if I had allowed him to touch me that night, he’d have just left the country and never spoke to me again? All because he had given me a job? He didn’t speak to me for a whole year. A year and a couple months and when he did, he was letting me know that he would love to see me again, actually, the text was very brief, ‘I have time between the 25^th and 31^st, can I book your plane ticket so you can come to me?’

I’m not going to lie; I needed a vacation and something was different now – I HAD MY OWN MONEY. I was in a better position to take care of myself and I knew that this trip wasn’t going to be on official business. I assumed he wanted to make things right, if he said he liked me then this was him finally coming round to it yeah? My plan was to go, spend time and get to know each other, then maybe improve on the relationship if we mesh. Lol whole time in his head he was just thinking about how to fuck me.

It hit me when we got to the hotel that our luggage was being rolled into one room.

My heart sunk. It was well past midnight and I was too exhausted. I felt like a little girl, stupid to forget what he did the last time and thinking this time would be different, ignorant and naïve for allowing myself to travel to a man and assume he wouldn’t want sex and just scared because I knew I’d have to spend the night fighting him off and true to my word, he was trying to touch me the whole night. I was jumping to and from the couch and it was only until I started to leave to go book my own room that he promised to stop trying to have sex with me.

Now, many people will ask, ‘What did you think when you were accepting to be flown out?’ Listen, I know a lot of women and girls like me are out there and that’s why I talk about this. I grew up thinking men can just love you without making sex a form of payment for what they’ve paid for, and I also largely thought that it was always my duty to pay back with my body. That if a man paid for lunch, I had to sleep with him otherwise I had conned him. This was very confusing to me because this has never happened within my friendships, we are always doing for each other without thinking of payback.

For most time I was on that trip, I had to do what he wanted, abide by his schedule, do the things he wanted and still convince him to stop trying to have sex with me. I was ready to leave after the first day.

I was going through a lot emotionally that time and I thought the trip would help me relax but all it did was add to making me feel so small. It reminded me to make even more money because the confidence I had just knowing I have the option to get my own room and book my own flight home made everything different, it reminded me how much I’d rather make my own money so I can live by my own rules.

I know there’s people who will say their men pay for everything and still give them autonomy but let’s be honest, when you don’t have your own means and are forced to stay stuck in a situation you don’t want to anymore, isn’t that crippling?

We travelled back to Nairobi together but he absolutely refused to acknowledge me past baggage claim. I could tell he wished he had brought a woman he could fuck on the trip instead of me, his face showed annoyance, anger even, he wouldn’t even say bye- walked straight to int’l departures and I called my uber and went home.

The next time Jackson and I spoke, I was asking him for help about a purchase I was intending to make overseas and he had mentioned how he had helped others before. He told me he couldn’t help me but if I considered moving to the US, I could live with him for free.

He still thought I was dumb, like he hadn’t already soft launched the passive aggression. He thought I was the type of girl who gets excited over plane rides and exotic trips and I’d be willing to put out. No effort to woo me, no real pursuance or conversations, no effort or consistency, no intimacy, ZERO ROMANCE just a plane ride and hotel room, like I was a free prostitute.

Live with him in a foreign land without income? But he couldn’t even help me about things I needed, only paid for when it benefitted him too yet I wasn’t even asking him to pay for me. I just needed assistance. I deleted his number and removed him off my social media then educated myself more on how to leave situations when the professionalism goes out the door. It seems pretty obvious but it is only to those who know to be aware.

My point for this article is to remind women that the way we think is not the way they think, especially if you are so sheltered from the realities of the world. It took a while for me to accept that people really are this way and I stopped going anywhere I’m invited by a man unless it’s a public space or in a group – by the way even work meetings don’t exempt you from being approached like a vagina with a body. I don’t go to men’s houses – not even friends or cousins especially never by myself. I don’t let men drop me off, come to my house, – I’ll drive myself or call an uber. Even when maintenance comes by, I’ll have family on call or around. I’m grown enough to never leave chances for any blurred lines because the least I could do is stay vigilant and hope the conversations don’t end with a man wanting to fuck me.

Unfortunately, there’s no room for naivety anymore.

I’ve seen this pattern over and over again, a wealthy man paying or offering to pay for my premium travel and it’s always so tempting. The thought of a man who has done nothing to try and woo me, expecting me to let them touch my body is so crazy- they act like this because so many other women are okay with it and it’s fine, things just change drastically when you can afford your own trips- the desperation goes away and you have a say.

It gets worse when you realize they just have miles the use to pay for your travel so it’s basically free to him.

There’s no problem with going, just make sure you know what’s on the table.